My Black History Month
This was originally posted back on February 21, 2007 on my MySpace profile (www.myspace.com/paul_and_oates). Enjoy
--
So there's loads of documentaries and commercials saluting the achievements of African-Americans in this country. The Civil Rights Movement, jazz music, the slam dunk, House Party 1-4, Wu-Tang Clan, saying "axe" instead of "ask", the list goes on...
So I'd like to celebrate the black history that went on in my life and made me into the average, low-income, underweight man that I am, today
3rd Grade:
My first ever black friend, Derrick. Now, keep in mind, I never thought about color at all, growing up. Now looking back in hindsight, I remember the 3rd grade as the earliest memory I have of having a black friend. We never hung out, but I remember him joking around with me, kicking my ass in everything recess-related, wearing loud patterned shirts and having a hi-top fade. I wished I was as popular as he was, but I had to settle for the fact that I was, and would remain, teacher's pet for the duration of my elementary school career.
6th Grade:
The first girl, I remember, to tell me that I was cute was a black girl. This was monumental for me. I gave her my New Edition tape in return for complimenting me. She doesn't remember this. I do. First off, it was the first time I ever had anyone tell me I was cute and secondly, it was New Edition's "Cool It Now". Their best record to date. It had "Mr. Telephone Man" on it and the title track. Ronnie, Bobby, Ricky, and Mike.
I-Tune it people.
9th Grade:
I hear from everyone how I look like DeWayne Wayne from A Different World and Arsenio Hall. Come to find out, women didn't find either of those men sexy.
10th Grade:
I get introduced to hip-hop because my friend Mike lost the Tribe Called Quest tape he had borrowed from one of his friends. He bought another copy and had me dub one for him (back when stereos had 2 tape decks and you could speed dub it) and I did. The next day I lied to my parents and told them I was sick, laid in bed and listened to it. The following week my pants sagged, I started limping and thinking I could rap.
My parents thought I was still sick.
One month later I start having to play catch-up with my hip-hop collection and I start off positive at first: Buying De La Soul, Brand Nubian, but then I start digging into N.W.A and ScarFace. I start listening to it when my dad picks me up from school, pretending to cough everytime they cuss.
My parents start to wonder how sick I really am
My dad blames my new interest in rap music as making me angry and forbids me to listen to it. I tell him that "Ya betta recognize before I regulate. Break Yo-Self Fool!"
He laughs in my face and then bitchslaps me into a coma
11th Grade:
I go to my first ever rap concert. Tribe Called Quest with De La Soul. I smell weed for the first time. I'm the nerdiest guy there. I have a blast. I feel accepted. I feel black. I start pronouncing words and leaving off the "g" (EXAMPLE: "Hangin", "Studyin", "S.A.T Preppin")
I also meet the black guy who's "black" but not "black enough". Like he's "black enough" to hang around white people because they think he's cool and hysterical. But he's not "black enough" to hang around other black people because they think he's a nerd and trying way too hard. It's like around white people, he's like Will Smith and around black people he's like ...
Will Smith.
Freshman Year (University of North Texas):
Seven years later, another black girl tells me how cute I am and proceeds to flirt with me, even giving me her number. I'm too shy to ever call it, but I do sit in my dorm room and contemplate where I can find a New Edition "Cool It Now" tape in 1995.
2001 - Present:
I start doing stand-up comedy and numerous shows in front of black audiences. This begins the overabundance of comments from black women like...
1.You have such pretty hair.
2 You look like Tiger Woods.
3.No thank you, I no longer listen to New Edition
I also end up working with Tommy Davidson, Wanda Sykes, Som'more, Monique, Adele Givens, EarthQuake, Mark Curry, and D.L Hughley
D.L Hughley tells me I look like an Ethiopian Chris Rock
Which brings us to today..
I still listen to hip-hop. I'm still shy around all kinds of women. I just watched a 60-minute special of VH1's Behind the Music on New Edition and to top it off, last night, I got pulled over by a cop in an extremely white part of town because, according to him, my "license plate light was out"
Maybe I really am black.
--
So there's loads of documentaries and commercials saluting the achievements of African-Americans in this country. The Civil Rights Movement, jazz music, the slam dunk, House Party 1-4, Wu-Tang Clan, saying "axe" instead of "ask", the list goes on...
So I'd like to celebrate the black history that went on in my life and made me into the average, low-income, underweight man that I am, today
3rd Grade:
My first ever black friend, Derrick. Now, keep in mind, I never thought about color at all, growing up. Now looking back in hindsight, I remember the 3rd grade as the earliest memory I have of having a black friend. We never hung out, but I remember him joking around with me, kicking my ass in everything recess-related, wearing loud patterned shirts and having a hi-top fade. I wished I was as popular as he was, but I had to settle for the fact that I was, and would remain, teacher's pet for the duration of my elementary school career.
6th Grade:
The first girl, I remember, to tell me that I was cute was a black girl. This was monumental for me. I gave her my New Edition tape in return for complimenting me. She doesn't remember this. I do. First off, it was the first time I ever had anyone tell me I was cute and secondly, it was New Edition's "Cool It Now". Their best record to date. It had "Mr. Telephone Man" on it and the title track. Ronnie, Bobby, Ricky, and Mike.
I-Tune it people.
9th Grade:
I hear from everyone how I look like DeWayne Wayne from A Different World and Arsenio Hall. Come to find out, women didn't find either of those men sexy.
10th Grade:
I get introduced to hip-hop because my friend Mike lost the Tribe Called Quest tape he had borrowed from one of his friends. He bought another copy and had me dub one for him (back when stereos had 2 tape decks and you could speed dub it) and I did. The next day I lied to my parents and told them I was sick, laid in bed and listened to it. The following week my pants sagged, I started limping and thinking I could rap.
My parents thought I was still sick.
One month later I start having to play catch-up with my hip-hop collection and I start off positive at first: Buying De La Soul, Brand Nubian, but then I start digging into N.W.A and ScarFace. I start listening to it when my dad picks me up from school, pretending to cough everytime they cuss.
My parents start to wonder how sick I really am
My dad blames my new interest in rap music as making me angry and forbids me to listen to it. I tell him that "Ya betta recognize before I regulate. Break Yo-Self Fool!"
He laughs in my face and then bitchslaps me into a coma
11th Grade:
I go to my first ever rap concert. Tribe Called Quest with De La Soul. I smell weed for the first time. I'm the nerdiest guy there. I have a blast. I feel accepted. I feel black. I start pronouncing words and leaving off the "g" (EXAMPLE: "Hangin", "Studyin", "S.A.T Preppin")
I also meet the black guy who's "black" but not "black enough". Like he's "black enough" to hang around white people because they think he's cool and hysterical. But he's not "black enough" to hang around other black people because they think he's a nerd and trying way too hard. It's like around white people, he's like Will Smith and around black people he's like ...
Will Smith.
Freshman Year (University of North Texas):
Seven years later, another black girl tells me how cute I am and proceeds to flirt with me, even giving me her number. I'm too shy to ever call it, but I do sit in my dorm room and contemplate where I can find a New Edition "Cool It Now" tape in 1995.
2001 - Present:
I start doing stand-up comedy and numerous shows in front of black audiences. This begins the overabundance of comments from black women like...
1.You have such pretty hair.
2 You look like Tiger Woods.
3.No thank you, I no longer listen to New Edition
I also end up working with Tommy Davidson, Wanda Sykes, Som'more, Monique, Adele Givens, EarthQuake, Mark Curry, and D.L Hughley
D.L Hughley tells me I look like an Ethiopian Chris Rock
Which brings us to today..
I still listen to hip-hop. I'm still shy around all kinds of women. I just watched a 60-minute special of VH1's Behind the Music on New Edition and to top it off, last night, I got pulled over by a cop in an extremely white part of town because, according to him, my "license plate light was out"
Maybe I really am black.
posted by Paul at 2:23 PM
1 Comments:
You are not black ! You are a 'digger' - the desi equivalent of 'wigger' . Or dafrican damerican if you chose. You have less aggression than Urkle on thorazine and you couldn't win at basketball even if you have Kareem Abdul Jaffar on your side. You are about as black as David Duke . Here are some of the ways you are not black
1) You went to college
2) Your dad stayed with your mom
3) Your dick is three inches
4) Your mom STILL lets you drive her car.
5) You have never done a single drug in your life. You are straighter than most white boys I know.
6) You have no booty.
7) You are gay
8) You are republican
9) You like black girls
.......I could go on but then if I complete the 10 then I wouldn't be on strike like my cohorts in the WGA.
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