SHAZAAM!

Travelling is such sweet sorrow.
You know how swimmers, the day before a competition, will shave their bodies to shave seconds off their times? I've also discovered that if I shave my face, the day before I fly, I shave seconds off the time I spend in airport security check.

Any liquid over three ounces has to be either thrown away or in your checked-in luggage. I had a little too much saliva in my mouth and they made me spit it out before I boarded the plane.

I try to avoid baggage claim as much as I can. I hate dragging luggage throughout the airport. Luggage annoys me like kids do. They share many of the same qualities.

1) You have to make sure they're with you at all times
2) You have to help them up and down the stairs
3) You have to make sure some strange guy doesn't put anything in them

Enough with stale airport humor..

I've been on hiatus. A fancy word that means "Procrastination Belgrande". In fact by not writing as often, I've read more. And I've become wiser (hence the bi-lingual "hiatus" translation) And now by writing this blog, I'm taking precious time away from reading. So readers of this blog, I'm actually becoming stupidder (see?) by writing while you all are getting smarter by reading ..

The things I do for you people.
I'm sacrificing my intelligence so that you can build yours. Just remember this .. when you become so mentally superior that you no longer read this blog .. that I became dumb for you .. as I sit here and write blogs that will never be read and watch my amount of MySpace friends dwindle like a pothead's short-term memory

This Thanksgiving I found out that my relatives hate my beard. One uncle (who moved here from India one year ago) kept touching it and saying I looked like a "wood-worker".

You mean like a beaver? Termite? Pinnochio's father?

He meant to say "lumberjack". Now a beard on an Indian does not mean "lumberjack". A beard on an Indian means "hijack". Plus I've never CUT a tree. Class? Most definitely. But never a tree.

My introduction to the public school system began by all my 2nd grade classmates nicknaming me "Paul Bunyan". They were calling me an over-sized white guy. Another reason it's fun to be white. The over-sized white guy comes in many different forms.

1. Paul Bunyan
2. Goliath
3. Gulliver
4. Shawn Bradley

If you see any brown guy over 6'10, he's only doing ONE thing.
Granting 3 wishes

That's why there will never be an Indian in the NBA. A genie would have such an unfair advantage over every other player. You can't outjump a magic carpet.

And why is every genie ripped? Where does he work out? He's been stuck in a lamp for centuries. Does he have a Bowflex in there? Maybe he has the ability to grant wishes for himself. If that's the case why not wish for fashion sense and a full head of hair. I remember when network TV got a hold of the genie concept and made a white woman pop out of the bottle. She's obviously way cuter than a 10 ft. tall shirtless Arab man and, honestly, who would watch that sitcom?

If there's anything us brown folk aren't known for, it's our sense of humor. I mean when do you ever see little brown kids smiling on tv, that aren't animated characters in The Jungle Book? And why would we smile? Every other culture has reason to. They have OktoberFest, pinatas, Pokemon, that yodeling mountan man game on The Price is Right.

What makes us smile? Nothing. We're cheap bastards. We're not smiling.

We're saying "FREE!"