A Solution for My Resolution

This blog was originally posted on April 2, 2007 on my MySpace page (www.myspace.com/paul_and_oates). Enjoy

I was thinking maybe I should quit drinking. Sounded like a good idea. Then I listed all the reasons I drink and the reasons I shouldn't.

REASONS NOT TO ...
1. Swollen liver
2. Puffy booze face
3. Dry Heaving
4. Taco Bell #4 Value Meal

REASONS TO ...
1. I'm way funnier
2. It makes church go by faster
3. It also makes me less self-conscious that I'm drenched and carrying my sandals and socks in a soaked Gap bag

But you can't quit drinking .. society caters to the drunk.

1. Those circular road bumps that separate the left turn lane from the other ones exist solely to sober you up if you drive over them.
2. Wal-Mart's open 24 hours. Nobody responsible shops past 2 A.M. You might as well re-name the store: Drunk, Stoned, and Beyond
3. Every car has a key-less remote to open the door, because they know that asking a drunk at 2:30 A.M to apply hand-eye coordination when unlocking his car door with a key is just too much to ask
4. Every fast-food restaurant has two drive-thru menus. The one with the microphone where you place your order and the one fifteen feet before where you try to temporarily sober up and practice what you're gonna say.

So the booze parade continues. I've never quit anything anyway. I've been fired. I'll wait til I get fired by my liver before I move on to blander, more boring-er things ..

Like grammar.