Perturbedly Speaking
Do you think God likes to screw with you while you're asleep?
Kinda like how me and my friends would do when we were little and had sleep overs. Whoever fell asleep first, got their hand dipped in cold water (If you don't know what that does when someone's asleep, try it. Especially to someone who sleeps in boxers)
God's gotta be having fun with us while we're conked out. How else could you explain?..
Drooling - Eyes halfway open - Twitching - Dreaming - Bedhead - Morning Breath - Sleep apnea - Going to sleep with your socks on - One sock missing the next morning - Birds outside your window - Telemarketing calls at 7 am - Jehovah's Witnesses - Sunlight coming through the windshield
Scratch that last one. I've said too much
I'm on my way to a wedding tomorrow. I hate weddings. Everything seems so phony. No one really wants to be there. I mean once the bride walks down the aisle, everyone in the church is pretty much thinking, "Fast Forward so we can get to the open bar at the reception"
I also hate wedding reception DJs. Because you force me to dance to your YMCA your Play That Funky Music your Who Let The Dogs Out. Are you not aware that no one likes those songs? Wedding receptions need black DJs. Ones that'll yell out "REMIX!" at the most inopportune times.
I also hate sitting at the reception table at my pre-assigned seat. I'm forced to eat with people who I have no idea who they are. Whenever in that situation I just start a betting pool as to how long everyone at my table thinks it'll take before someone says some cheesy toast like
"Alright Matt now that you're married, I'm the last one in the group. Make me an uncle! Ha Ha!"
You're a quick one there Cooter. Everyone always thinks they're the first. Which brings me to my final point.
We've all heard about the Wendy's fiasco with the finger in the chili. Turns out it was a hoax. The lady's locked up for it. But I'd hate to work at Wendy's when all that went down.
Wait.. let me clarify that.. I'd hate to work at Wendy's. Period
But I'd even more hate the fact that I'm there when all you get is Dorko the Magnificent pulling into the drive-thru, every 10 minutes, thinking he's the first customer to say "You don't have fingers in your fries now do you? Ha Ha Ha (hi-five)"
"Of course we don't sir. We here at Wendy's care about our customers, and we apologize for making you uneasy and nervous in light of all these recent allegations. Now would you like me to urinate directly onto your Frosty or would you like that in a separate To-Go container?"
Kinda like how me and my friends would do when we were little and had sleep overs. Whoever fell asleep first, got their hand dipped in cold water (If you don't know what that does when someone's asleep, try it. Especially to someone who sleeps in boxers)
God's gotta be having fun with us while we're conked out. How else could you explain?..
Drooling - Eyes halfway open - Twitching - Dreaming - Bedhead - Morning Breath - Sleep apnea - Going to sleep with your socks on - One sock missing the next morning - Birds outside your window - Telemarketing calls at 7 am - Jehovah's Witnesses - Sunlight coming through the windshield
Scratch that last one. I've said too much
I'm on my way to a wedding tomorrow. I hate weddings. Everything seems so phony. No one really wants to be there. I mean once the bride walks down the aisle, everyone in the church is pretty much thinking, "Fast Forward so we can get to the open bar at the reception"
I also hate wedding reception DJs. Because you force me to dance to your YMCA your Play That Funky Music your Who Let The Dogs Out. Are you not aware that no one likes those songs? Wedding receptions need black DJs. Ones that'll yell out "REMIX!" at the most inopportune times.
I also hate sitting at the reception table at my pre-assigned seat. I'm forced to eat with people who I have no idea who they are. Whenever in that situation I just start a betting pool as to how long everyone at my table thinks it'll take before someone says some cheesy toast like
"Alright Matt now that you're married, I'm the last one in the group. Make me an uncle! Ha Ha!"
You're a quick one there Cooter. Everyone always thinks they're the first. Which brings me to my final point.
We've all heard about the Wendy's fiasco with the finger in the chili. Turns out it was a hoax. The lady's locked up for it. But I'd hate to work at Wendy's when all that went down.
Wait.. let me clarify that.. I'd hate to work at Wendy's. Period
But I'd even more hate the fact that I'm there when all you get is Dorko the Magnificent pulling into the drive-thru, every 10 minutes, thinking he's the first customer to say "You don't have fingers in your fries now do you? Ha Ha Ha (hi-five)"
"Of course we don't sir. We here at Wendy's care about our customers, and we apologize for making you uneasy and nervous in light of all these recent allegations. Now would you like me to urinate directly onto your Frosty or would you like that in a separate To-Go container?"
posted by Paul at 1:32 PM
6 Comments:
I was married once. In case anyone is wondering where that came from, I think there was a few sentences about weddings here. Just throwing that out there in case anyone was interested.
See this is my point with your use of comments. If somebody writes that they don't like going to weddings, it's kind of weird to repsond by saying, "I have been married once." I am not trying to be your blog nemesis or anything, just trying to point out that you seem to be commenting about nothing for no particular reason.
Just playing around man. Don't take it too seriously. Sometimes I speak just to hear myself talk.
Hey, I am just trying to stir the pot so we can have a round 2 at the Improv. Who wants to slap me?
God is not screwing with you, Paul. God does not care that your human body drools, or collects bad-breath-causing bacteria. God wishes you'd live your life without thinking he has his divine hand in the minutae of your life. He also wishes I'd stop calling him a he, because God probably doesn't have a penis.
You're afraid that if god was a chick, you'd want to bang her.
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