Thursday, December 15, 2005

Chill Pill

This time of year is not nice to me. I hate the cold. I could really do without it. But if you talk to someone who lives where it's cold, they swear by it.

"You can always put on more clothes"

But that's the beauty of hot weather. People take off their clothes. There's an entire calendar industry based on that ideal. You wouldn't want to be flipping thru a calendar, going..

"Whoa come check out Miss April. All she's wearing is a ... parka, a scarf, mittens, wool socks, a ski mask, galoshes, a turtleneck, and earmuffs. You can almost see her eyebrows! It looks so hot!"

I'm from Texas. The South. We're proud of our hot temperatures. The hole in the ozone layer doesn't scare us.

"Global warming? Down here we call that July."

I visited India a few years ago and it was 120 degrees there. The heat didn't bother me so I used the free time to explore the country side. I saw a guy with one of those pedal-generated grindstones to sharpen knives. He was outside a restaurant just pedaling/sharpening away. No goggles. His idea of safety involved turning his face away to avoid the flying sparks. One normal brown eye. One googly over-sized green eye. Green as in Go Find Another Job. He looked like how I'd imagine a pirate to look like, if he removed his eye patch.

There's something about watching someone sharpen a knife that always come across as creepy. Especially someone who spends more than 2 seconds sharpening it. Are we cutting cucumbers or ankles?

You always see infomercials on tv advertising a set of knives. They have every size blade imaginable from tiny pearing knives to the ones you can cut a slab of meat with. But never do they have a sword.

"Even after slicing through human bone, it never loses its sharpness. Our patented Ronco Miracle Blade Excalibur will not only sever the limbs of any late-night intruder, it also glides through this tomato"

Thursday, December 01, 2005

It's the 1st of the Month

Great song

Since it's officially the season of giving, let's talk about receiving

My cousin not only receives gifts under the Christmas tree but gifts in his stocking as well. Stocking stuffers is what his parents call them. Last year he got a $55 video game in his stocking alone. Really? When I was 12, I got a video game as my gift. You know what I got in the stocking?

The receipt

Buying gifts is impossible anyway. I think everyone should be registered at the store of their choice, much like married couples do, so it's easy to know what they want. Surprises are so overrated anyway. They're expected now. Ever been dating someone who always drops hints as to "what they could use" and "what they wish they had". I don't think I've ever heard the word IPOD dropped so many times in the span of 3 months.

My birthday's a month away and I'm so low-key/low-maintenance/low-budget/low-down that all I want is a drink bought and dinner. Feed the skinny boy. Get him some liquor. Pay him a phony compliment and tell him he's funny.

Happy Birthday for Paul

Heading out to Detroit tomorrow. Not for a show. Eminem asked me to bring it. So I am.

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