R.I.P Beardo

So I posted my first ever stand-up performance on YouTube. Type in "Paul Varghese" and you'll have two options. My set from 5 years ago and some 10 year old Indian kid lip syncing to Nelly's "Grillz". He and his friends made fake grills with aluminum foil.

Any kid who studies is not gangsta. Thugs don't know what a hypothesis is, let alone posterboard. No drug dealer's ever read The Iliad. Now I could continue with easy juxtapositions regarding Preppies vs. Gangstas but that's not why we're here today.

So I've been beardless for a week now. Moustacheless too. Pork chop sideburnless. The only facial hair on my face is above my eyes and even that could leave too with a perfectly placed lollipop or tumor.

Without the beard I look less authoritative, but I can eat nachos with out cheese residue on my face. I can sneeze and not have to wipe my face down. I used to look incredibly intelligent with a simple stroking of the chin hairs. I always looked like I was about to utter something profound when really all I was thinking about was the pros and cons of FrankenBerry vs. Count Chocula

I'm a week away from scruffy Paul. Scruffy Paul looks outdoorsy

* You can tell I'm not the adventurous type when I refer to it as "outdoorsy. *

But Scruffy Paul looks like he has an edge. Like he's cussed out a kid or two. He's smoked in church. Scruffy Paul's beaten a mall cop with a tire iron. He's been through some shit. Yet he has that sweet sensitive side that only his girlfriend sees. So what that he punched a homeless man so hard that it collapsed the bum's lung? Scruffy Paul reads to blind 6 year olds every other Sunday.

You know your place is dirty when a dog walks in and sneezes. Because Benji smells other Benji butts every day and doesn't even sniffle afterwards. But one whiff of my apartment and the dog's allergies kick in?

Ever tried to figure out what you're allergic to? You become your own personal episode of Law and Order: Itchy Back. My mom's allergic to tomatoes, wheat, and perfume. Her Axis of Evil. She had two kids through C-sections but now can't tolerate ketchup? She also can't stand the smell of lilies. She'll sneeze at her own funeral.

And, beard aside, I'm just like her. I will end up getting her allergies. I will end up telling stories that fizzle into jibberish. I will end up wearing a nightgown at all times of the day. What I do lack is her compassion and humility, which I make up for in moodiness and disinterest.

So come see me in 12 years when I'll be experiencing menopause and making the world's best ever fish curry

Late is a four letter word

Anyone who knows me knows that I'm always late. Constantly. It goes hand in hand with my procrastination. Case in point, I wanted to write this blog one month ago.

That's why I'm really hoping this comedy thing of mine works itself out because there's certain jobs that you just cannot be late for.

Like for instance...ALL OF THEM

But say for example, suicide bombers. Tardiness is the one bad habit they can't have. They can have anger, resentment, sheep mentality, hatred for their fellow man, religious fanaticism, no desire to shave. These are all bad habits they can have. But being late? Absolute No-No. Because a suicide bomber running late?.. is a car bomb

"I'm hitting all the red lights! Come on come on! Oh no, bumper to bumper traffic!"

KABLOOM!

Being early is creepy. On a first date, a girl's going to be more freaked out by the guy who's at her house 30 minutes before than the guy who's 30 minutes late. Because late guy's just an insensitive prick. Early guy's already thinking marriage, has a Lord of the Rings screen name, and talks to Cadbury bunnies in his grandma's basement.

The guy who gets fired for being late would never come back to shoot up the place because that would require getting up early. He just lost his job which means .. SLEEP TIL NOON! He'd show up to work, AK-47 in hand, and everyone would be out to lunch.

Early guy isn't getting fired for a bad habit like tardiness. He's always on time. He's prompt. By definition, he's a responsible worker. So if he gets fired he had had to have done some sick shit.

DAY ONE: "Lance, all the female co-workers are claiming that their lipsticks have come up missing. Would you know anything about that?
DAY TWO: "Lance, all the female co-workers are now claiming that their seat cushions have come up missing as well. Are you sure you don't know anything about that?
DAY THREE: "Lance, all the female co-workers have come up missing....."

According to Dr. Phil, tardiness is a sign of conceit. It's a power trip. The party doesn't start until I show up. The eggs don't hatch until my ass sits on them.

Now of course I don't agree with Dr. Phil. I'll tell you why I'm late. Every single time that I've been early I've forgotten something. Like my cellphone .. or my pants. I'd rather be late and fully dressed .. than on time, sitting in my Aquaman Underroos.

I'm such a professional at being late that I have irresponsibility down to a science. Not only do I have outstanding snooze reflexes but I get up BEFORE the alarm rings just to turn it off so that it doesn't do its job of waking me up when it's supposed to.

Perhaps I get a rush from being late. Like some folks shoot heroin or snort coke to get high. I press Snooze 5 times to get my adrenaline pumping. I'm not irresponsible. I'm an extreme athlete. Now if you will excuse me I gotta go grab my blanket and work out.