In a Nutshell..

If my life of the past few weeks were to fit on the inside flap of a book cover a.k.a the synopsis

1. I got a laptop
2. I was the Best Man at my friend's wedding which resulted in me and the rest of the bachelor party attendees being detained in Mexico
3. I worked my first ever weekend at the D.C Improv (unbelievably great time)
4. I'm about to embark on a tour that'll have me hitting 16 cities
5. The look to my website is slightly changed as I try to figure out how I want it to look. There's still editing that needs to be done with it, but I'm still trying to figure out how to fix it all (Big Kudos out to Tim for the tutorial)

Now numbers 1, 4, and 5 are boring "to be expected" blog topics. But we here at Blogalisa don't want to bore you with daily semantics. Who cares that I have an absolutely deplorably horrific cellphone bill. Who cares that the heat from my laptop singed the hairs on my leg? Does anyone want to see pictures of my travels?

If you do, you're lame. We don't want you here to read this. We are here to serve the delusionally self-centered quasi psychotic mentally challenged folks much like myself...so let's divulge into madness yet again

SPLOOSH

Number 3: D.C blah blah blah. I'm sure it was historic. Nothing historic in my hotel room..or the Subway that I had lunch at a few times. That weekend was my first with my laptop (I call him Gargamel). The hotel I stayed at had free wi-fi but that was only available on the lower level, in the "business center". Apparently they were trying to save money on engraving. Because the room placard should've read "business center that has a gas leak". It's the only time in my life I was contracting carpal tunnel and brain damage at the same time. But that's how happy I was to get free broadband internet access. I risked overdosing on propane fumes just so I could find out how many points Dirk Nowitzki scored against the Pistons. My vision was blurry. I hobbled out of there like someone removed my kneecaps, but man... was it worth it

Number 2: The story of my Mexico experience. It's 2:41 a.m and I don't feel like typing too much, but I will leave it at this. If you're not a citizen of the United States and you're a friend of the groom and you want to hang at the bachelor party for just a little longer, please I REPEAT please don't come across the border with us and think you can sneak back by sitting in the backseat...especially when you have someone of my melanin content driving you through. I'm going to get profiled for other reasons as is. We will get pulled over regardless.. and now all of sudden they'll think I'm some kind of immigrant smuggler?

Let the cavity search begin!

You know even to this day I still get recognized for my 2 minutes of fame on Last Comic Standing. It's still flattering whenever someone makes a fuss. I've been recognized in the weirdest places: grocery store, airport security, even at a strip club by strippers. But when the Texas/Mexico border patrol recognizes you, that's just an entirely different realm of awkwardness

Because how do you keep your sanity when they're asking you to repeat the "Boogeyman" joke and spread your ass cheeks at the same time?

Gap-athy

Wow. It's been over 2 weeks since thoughts have fallen onto blogger paper from the braincloud up above. I could say that today is the start of something new. Blogs every day every which way. I know I know. I made a resolution. Which I can still fulfill and sustain by over-blogging. I mean come on, last week I got my own laptop. I'm I-Booking it now. I can whip it out on a daily, anytime basis, much like my sarcasm and general disdain for anything Tyra Banks-related. I have an Ipod. Not only can I scribble down musings, but when creatively lulled, I can re-inspire the fire within by jamming out to Hall and Oates.

"I wanna be the drummer for an acapella group"

I also have a video camera now, which means one of two things

1) I"m giving up comedy to start my "own private business"

2) There'll be random video clips of my standup and whatever I feel needs to be videotaped. Wouldn't you like to know what's in my fridge?

"Isn't Sleeping Beauty really a Beauty whose Sleeping? Because I can't imagine anyone being beautiful while they sleep. Unless you consider drooling and random acts of twitching a sign of gorgeousnessessess. If that's the case, epilepsy would be considered "hot""

So this week won't be the start of anything new. I'm in a wedding. Not my own, but the own of one of my best friend's. And I'm the best man.

By the way if you'd like to drop an application off to be my best man, you can start by joining my MySpace page or my Friendster page. I need atleast 2 references and yes, sometimes, the best man can be a woman (if butch enough)

It's going to be a really interesting wedding. My friend Charles is marrying a Hispanic girl. So the Indian cultures and Mexican cultures will collide this Saturday. Of course both cultures have a lot in common

1) We're both immigrants
2) We both have the best food
3) We're both under-represented on TV
4) We both are mistaken for the other
5) We both never need to tan

I definitely have more respect for her culture because of the arduous journey her family probably endured to get here. They had to deal with Border Patrol. Immigration vans. Racist Texas state troopers.

My parents? Flew Air India. My dad landed in Los Angeles. His brother picked him up. The only thing they endured to get here was flying in coach.

That being said, I know the struggle for any immigrant is always mental. You're leaving everything you've known your whole life to uproot to a country where everything is reversed. Speaking just for Indian immigrants, you've now transformed from being the majority in your country to being a minority. That's an incredible culture shock. It's like any of us here in the U.S moving to India (and yes, even if I go to India they view me as American. It might have something to do with my Gap Jeans and Kenneth Cole shoes and lack of accent). It'd be like if we were to move to India and instead of being able to have the same job we had back in the U.S, we had to work in a factory assembly line building welding equipment.

My uncles moved here over a year ago and just the traffic (well the lack of) blew them away. Because if you've never been to India, let me tell ya.. they share the road with everything. People. Bicycles. Cows. Rickshaws. Dogs. Things that if they ran onto a major highway here would shut down traffic for 2 hours. No, over in India there's no such thing as a traffic report. It's always trafficky. They have reports when there is no traffic.

"Good morning, this is Akshay Rajakumar in Chopper 8. Looks like you're gonna have a clean commute coming into New Delhi. There's absolutely no signs of life, human or bovine. Either one of two things has happened. The Christian rapture is upon us and apparently Jesus took about 2 billion Hindus with him as well. Or our traffic jams have just been outsourced to Los Angeles. Now I'm heading back to the studio and turning in my ID badge, because without anything to report up here in Chopper 8, it looks like I'm gonna have to get another job. Back to you Prakash"

Both of my uncles now have their drivers' licenses. Both have their own cars. One of them asked where all the cows were and I told him.

"In America, we don't have cows. We have pigs. And they drive cop cars."