Monday, June 19, 2006

Straight Laced

I need a vice. An addiction. In order for me to be considered truly famous, I need a bad habit. Procrastination, or not washing dishes that I just finished eating off of, is not enough to get me on E!'s True Hollywood Story. I just feel that the experimental stage of my life is gone. I didn't even experiment alot when I was younger. To explain to you how goody-two sandals I was, I never even cheated on a test. That might explain why I never got a scholarship anywhere, and why I tell jokes for a living, but I never even had the inkling to do such. I was so dumb in college that I actually got accused of cheating because the professor said I had the RIGHT answer but then crossed it out and put the WRONG one. Who cheats like that? In reverse? Did he think I was a cheater with a conscience? Like after I stole the right answer, I had a moment of clarity and thought..

"No. That's not the right thing to do. I'll go with my initial answer that I know is wrong. The main export of Mexico is Mexicans."

The closest behavioral trait I have to being destructive is drinking. And I don't even do that well. I'm not professional. I'm more entry-level when it comes to boozing. Two shots and I'm done. Head's spinning. Legs quivering. I'm like a newborn llama. I'm even chewing grass

I do think that if you have an addiction like smoking/drinking that you should just own up to it. Quit justifying it.

"I only smoke when I drink." -- "How often do you drink?"

"I'm an alcoholic."

"I'm a social smoker. Meaning, I don't like to keep the second-hand smoke to myself. I like to share it with others."

Smokers just smoke away. I don't care. But own up to the habit. All the way up until the age of 11, my dad smoked one cigarette every day, after dinner, in the bathroom. Keep in mind, our bathroom was small. It was basically a Port-A-Potty with a tub. If you flushed the toilet, the shower turned on. And every night, my dad would come out of there, followed by a cloud of smoke, as if my sister and I didn't know what it was, and I would ask him

"Where'd all that smoke come from?" -- "Umm..I was barbecuing."

"What were you cooking? Cancer?"

That's why I love white trash. They know they have a bad habit and they could care less. They'll let their son smoke crystal meth, at the kiddie table,during Thanksgiving. Birthday time? They'll use their Marlboro Red to light the candles on the cake

"Kids make sure to eat around the ashes"

And their bad habits don't even have to involve drugs of any kind. They'll proudly flash their laziness, as well, by driving their trailer to the Taco Bell Drive Thru

"I'll take 2 chalupas and a Pepsi. Hey kids, roll down your bedroom window and tell the man what you want!"

They Got It All Wrong

So I saw a bunch of hardcore fundamentalist Christians protesting homosexuality today. They were pretty passionate about it. Signs were made (with pink and light green, very "soft" colors might I add) Police protection. People were driving by and yelling at them. Me? I chose to blog about it.

So many angles to touch on..where does one start?

First off, let's just get it out the way. Being gay is something you're born with. Nobody would ever choose it .. unless

1) Their husband beat them, left them, and they're desperate for "comfort" and "affection"
2) They want free drinks at a bar
3) They're just horny and can't get enough
4) They want their own TV show and/or movie (Because in Hollywood, being "out" is so "in")

But, seriously, it's something you're born with. True gay people have no control over their feelings. If I got protested for something I was born with, how depressed would I be?

"You are going to go to hell .. for your long,delicate fingers and toothy grin!"

Their big shining star of hate stems from the fact that they feel homosexuality is outlawed in The Bible. I don't know scripture well enough to debate that merit, but what I can wonder out loud about is .. then how can you give Jesus lee-way that if your own son behaved the same way.. you would disown him?

If your son walked around in a robe, with 12 of his guy friends who are also in their robes, all day, sitting around in gardens chit chatting and going out on "fishing trips"? Oh and by the way, none of these guys have ever been on a date nor do they even seem to be interested in females? You'd disown your son quicker than MySpace Tom adds friends.

There's no way these religious fanatics can debate that fact. If their own offspring acted like that, they'd have their doubts too. I mean how could you defend that opinion then. Jesus wasn't interested in females? Fine. I'll let you ride with that one. Although I must argue that any guy with the ability to turn water into wine definitely used it, at some point, for seduction purposes.

By the way, the ability to turn water into wine doesn't sound like a very Christian thing to do. It sounds like one of the evil powers of a Mormon super villian

So back to these guys not having women. Are we just going to chalk up 13 guys walking around by themselves, for years on end, as just not having any game at all? That should be the bumper sticker

My God has No Luck With the Ladies

You can't say all of them were so into Jesus's teachings that they had no desire to get with women. Judas was the least disciple-ish of all of them, so he must've deviated at some point. How do 13 guys stay calm and level headed when they're only around each other for years on end?

But fundamentalist Christians this is where Paul helps you out. I've got your argument right here as to why they all hung together. One word.

ENTOURAGE.

Yes. It was Jesus and the 12 moochers. Guys just hanging out, waiting to see what he does next. In a David Blaine sort of way. You know one of them, every other day, would bug Jesus

"Hey, when you get a chance, could you show me how you do that whole "raising the dead" trick?"

And to think .. HBO had the right idea. Just the wrong characters

Friday, June 16, 2006

This (like all of them) was written out of boredom

So it's damn hot down here right now which means everyone's scantily clad. Scantily's definitely a word that's not used enough.

So because of the heat, I'm laying out by the pool (Because this tan doesn't stick year-round) and notice that every guy has a hairless body. Baby skin bodies yet they have goatees. Which means they're shaving their chests clean. Now if you asked them, they'd vehemently deny it .

So they're clean shaven on their bodies (and vehemently deny that they shave) .. yet they have goatees? Meaning puberty only hit them from the neck up. So your voice dropped but your balls didn't?

...

It's weird that once family and friends find out that you're a comedian, how everyone starts asking about why you're not on TV. As if being on TV is the only sign of success. My folks are so obsessed with me being on TV at some point that I think they'd brag if they even got on there. I mean their house could be hit by a hurricane and they'd call me the next day

"Did you see our roof on NBC? It flew by so quick that you might've missed it. But your mother was on TV for a long time as she screamed for her life, clutching onto the bathtub. Looks like you're not the only celebrity in the family now!"

...

My friend Libby has one of those emergency whistles, on her keychain, that she can blow in case she get attacked. But it's not like one of those high-pitched dog whistles. It sounds more like something that you'd hear in a hillbilly jug band. If I heard it, I wouldn't think beatdown .. I'd think hoedown. Someone's not getting mugged, they're do-si-do-ing. I'd follow the whistle, only to find her laying in a dark alley, blood pouring from her gut, and all I'd want to know is..

"Hey Libby, I know you're a little preoccupied right now, but did you happen to hear that whistle? Because I think someone might be making tea. And I am yet to see a Starbucks anywhere."

...

The more I think of getting married the more I dread the actual process of getting married. I just don't want to go through the meaningless, annoying fights in regards to the wedding ceremony. You know, like what flavor will the wedding cake be? And what ethnicity will the stripper be, that jumps out of it

Monday, June 12, 2006

Take a Sip...

So as the last few minutes wind down on the opening game for the USA at the World Cup, I begin to ponder..

Why are they even there?

They've never won a game in Europe. And today they lost to the Czech Republic. And the World Cup is in Germany

And need I remind you .. They have never won a game in Europe! Talk about not playing good on the road. When you can't win a game on an ENTIRE CONTINENT? Time to re-evaluate your skill set. Now granted, they're also winless in Antarctica ...

Because with all the pro-USA advertising and quotes from their athletes, it makes me think that the U.S is clueless as to where they rank in international play. It's not the athletes' faults. It's just another example of American arrogance. If The Price of Right's Showcase Showdown was a metaphor to international compeition, the United States is constantly overbidding. They're yelling out $25,000 when they should've just stuck to "one dollar!"

We care so little about soccer that we re-named the sport in this country. We even added our own national pre-fix to differentiate just because we didn't "invent" it. Every other country has football. We have "American" football. Are other countries cocky enough to re-define sports that we invented and named here?

"In this counry, we play Indian Basketball. It involves alot of kicking. No baskets. And the ball is optional!"

No amount of press releases, advertisements, or superstar athletes will ever make soccer popular here. For the same reason hockey has never really caught on in the U.S. The scores are too low. Now you could make one goal equal 45 points but then that would look even worse when the U.S loses to Trinidad 135 - 0.

Hockey's major selling point here in the U.S is the fights. That's where soccer has it backwards. The brawls and riots happen in the stands, not on the field. In fact just show me 90 minutes of people yelling, swearing, shoving, and kicking each other's asses and you have...

The NFL.

Friday, June 09, 2006

Stubble-licious

When does too much facial hair become TOO MUCH facial hair?

- when it starts to catch crumbs?
- when it gets you detained at the airport for 8 hours?
- when it inspires you to go to karaoke and sing "Sharp Dressed Man"?
- when you get the urge to train reindeer to pull a sleigh?
- when you can't tell where the beard ends and chest hair begins?
- when Jesus offers you his Gillette Sensor Mach 3?
- when the homeless give YOU a dollar?
- when shaving it would require taking a day off of work?
- when people think it's fake?
- when you stroke it, not to contemplate, but to itch?
- when you waste an entire blog writing about it?

My beard's been growing for over a month now. It's not long like Bin Laden but thick like Bluto.

I'm hoping the beard becomes the latest fashion trend. But thanks to recent global threats by people sporting beards, I can't see that happening anytime soon. And to think that if the terrorists had been sporting seashell necklaces, sunglasses indoors, flip flops, and strategically designed bedhead .. then almost every guy's "going out" wardrobe would be screwed.

I guess facial hair will never be the "in" thing ever again. At least not in my lifetime.

There's a reason BEARD rhymes with WEIRD

and MOUSTACHE rhymes with BUS PASS

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Knock 6 times .. on the ceiling

My mom's a nurse in Labor and Delivery. She told me that alot of couples are either inducing labor or trying to delay their child's birth so it doesn't fall on today (6-6-06). It's bad luck. Let's discuss..shall we?

1. These couples think that the 666 birthdate would then mean that the child was the spawn of Satan. Now birthdates aside wouldn't that mean that the male counterpart of that couple was Satan himself? I also have a hard time believing that Satan picked some hillbilly couple in Macon, Georgia to carry on his legacy.

"And from the fiery depths of hellfire and eternal damnation I bring you the new Prince of Darkness, Elroy Cletus Hossfoot III!"

2. The date of 6-6-06 is bad luck? Didn't the bad luck start when the test came back positive? You weren't freaking out then? I always thought childbirth was considered a "miracle of God" but if it falls on today then well ..

"Damn, Lucifer done dipped his fingers in the destiny stew and jumbled it all up"

The fact is, the baby is supposed to be born on this date. If it scares you that much then abort it. Because if the baby is indeed the spawn of Satan, having him born a day later or earlier isn't going to change his DNA. The Devil's already thought of that. Do you really think he didn't mark this date on his calendar 100 years ago? This is about as big as it gets for this guy. Halloweens don't do it for him anymore. Ever since his reputation was tarnished and forever softened by 21 year old girls dressing up as "Sexy Satans"? I'm sure he could care less about the 31st.

So delaying or rushing the inevitable's not gonna alter the course of time. I mean even if the kid is born the day before or after you're still going to tell everyone who will listen about how he/she was supposed to be born on 6-6-06 anyway and how you "saved his soul" by inducing labor. Kudos squared. They should name a book of the Bible after you.

"Congregation, please turn to the book of Pretentious Trophy Wife Soccer Mom Chapter 4. Verse 8."

Just don't overanalyze their every move as possibly being inspired from below. I mean if you catch them coloring on the refrigerator or peeing on the carpet, don't immediately call up an exorcist .. unless your husband tries to discipline them and they immediately yell back

"Shut up! You're not my real father!"

Then pack up. Send me an email. I'll print out this blog and dip it in maple syrup just so that I can, literally, eat my words. Then we'll all meet up in NYC where my sister the priest will have us soak in a bathtub filled with Holy Water

Today also marks the 5 year anniversary of my first ever time performing stand-up. I know what you'll ask next and I'll gladly tell you..

Yes. I am Satan. Now go watch The DaVinci Code