R.I.P Beardo

So I posted my first ever stand-up performance on YouTube. Type in "Paul Varghese" and you'll have two options. My set from 5 years ago and some 10 year old Indian kid lip syncing to Nelly's "Grillz". He and his friends made fake grills with aluminum foil.

Any kid who studies is not gangsta. Thugs don't know what a hypothesis is, let alone posterboard. No drug dealer's ever read The Iliad. Now I could continue with easy juxtapositions regarding Preppies vs. Gangstas but that's not why we're here today.

So I've been beardless for a week now. Moustacheless too. Pork chop sideburnless. The only facial hair on my face is above my eyes and even that could leave too with a perfectly placed lollipop or tumor.

Without the beard I look less authoritative, but I can eat nachos with out cheese residue on my face. I can sneeze and not have to wipe my face down. I used to look incredibly intelligent with a simple stroking of the chin hairs. I always looked like I was about to utter something profound when really all I was thinking about was the pros and cons of FrankenBerry vs. Count Chocula

I'm a week away from scruffy Paul. Scruffy Paul looks outdoorsy

* You can tell I'm not the adventurous type when I refer to it as "outdoorsy. *

But Scruffy Paul looks like he has an edge. Like he's cussed out a kid or two. He's smoked in church. Scruffy Paul's beaten a mall cop with a tire iron. He's been through some shit. Yet he has that sweet sensitive side that only his girlfriend sees. So what that he punched a homeless man so hard that it collapsed the bum's lung? Scruffy Paul reads to blind 6 year olds every other Sunday.

You know your place is dirty when a dog walks in and sneezes. Because Benji smells other Benji butts every day and doesn't even sniffle afterwards. But one whiff of my apartment and the dog's allergies kick in?

Ever tried to figure out what you're allergic to? You become your own personal episode of Law and Order: Itchy Back. My mom's allergic to tomatoes, wheat, and perfume. Her Axis of Evil. She had two kids through C-sections but now can't tolerate ketchup? She also can't stand the smell of lilies. She'll sneeze at her own funeral.

And, beard aside, I'm just like her. I will end up getting her allergies. I will end up telling stories that fizzle into jibberish. I will end up wearing a nightgown at all times of the day. What I do lack is her compassion and humility, which I make up for in moodiness and disinterest.

So come see me in 12 years when I'll be experiencing menopause and making the world's best ever fish curry