Late is a four letter word
Anyone who knows me knows that I'm always late. Constantly. It goes hand in hand with my procrastination. Case in point, I wanted to write this blog one month ago.
That's why I'm really hoping this comedy thing of mine works itself out because there's certain jobs that you just cannot be late for.
Like for instance...ALL OF THEM
But say for example, suicide bombers. Tardiness is the one bad habit they can't have. They can have anger, resentment, sheep mentality, hatred for their fellow man, religious fanaticism, no desire to shave. These are all bad habits they can have. But being late? Absolute No-No. Because a suicide bomber running late?.. is a car bomb
"I'm hitting all the red lights! Come on come on! Oh no, bumper to bumper traffic!"
KABLOOM!
Being early is creepy. On a first date, a girl's going to be more freaked out by the guy who's at her house 30 minutes before than the guy who's 30 minutes late. Because late guy's just an insensitive prick. Early guy's already thinking marriage, has a Lord of the Rings screen name, and talks to Cadbury bunnies in his grandma's basement.
The guy who gets fired for being late would never come back to shoot up the place because that would require getting up early. He just lost his job which means .. SLEEP TIL NOON! He'd show up to work, AK-47 in hand, and everyone would be out to lunch.
Early guy isn't getting fired for a bad habit like tardiness. He's always on time. He's prompt. By definition, he's a responsible worker. So if he gets fired he had had to have done some sick shit.
DAY ONE: "Lance, all the female co-workers are claiming that their lipsticks have come up missing. Would you know anything about that?
DAY TWO: "Lance, all the female co-workers are now claiming that their seat cushions have come up missing as well. Are you sure you don't know anything about that?
DAY THREE: "Lance, all the female co-workers have come up missing....."
According to Dr. Phil, tardiness is a sign of conceit. It's a power trip. The party doesn't start until I show up. The eggs don't hatch until my ass sits on them.
Now of course I don't agree with Dr. Phil. I'll tell you why I'm late. Every single time that I've been early I've forgotten something. Like my cellphone .. or my pants. I'd rather be late and fully dressed .. than on time, sitting in my Aquaman Underroos.
I'm such a professional at being late that I have irresponsibility down to a science. Not only do I have outstanding snooze reflexes but I get up BEFORE the alarm rings just to turn it off so that it doesn't do its job of waking me up when it's supposed to.
Perhaps I get a rush from being late. Like some folks shoot heroin or snort coke to get high. I press Snooze 5 times to get my adrenaline pumping. I'm not irresponsible. I'm an extreme athlete. Now if you will excuse me I gotta go grab my blanket and work out.
That's why I'm really hoping this comedy thing of mine works itself out because there's certain jobs that you just cannot be late for.
Like for instance...ALL OF THEM
But say for example, suicide bombers. Tardiness is the one bad habit they can't have. They can have anger, resentment, sheep mentality, hatred for their fellow man, religious fanaticism, no desire to shave. These are all bad habits they can have. But being late? Absolute No-No. Because a suicide bomber running late?.. is a car bomb
"I'm hitting all the red lights! Come on come on! Oh no, bumper to bumper traffic!"
KABLOOM!
Being early is creepy. On a first date, a girl's going to be more freaked out by the guy who's at her house 30 minutes before than the guy who's 30 minutes late. Because late guy's just an insensitive prick. Early guy's already thinking marriage, has a Lord of the Rings screen name, and talks to Cadbury bunnies in his grandma's basement.
The guy who gets fired for being late would never come back to shoot up the place because that would require getting up early. He just lost his job which means .. SLEEP TIL NOON! He'd show up to work, AK-47 in hand, and everyone would be out to lunch.
Early guy isn't getting fired for a bad habit like tardiness. He's always on time. He's prompt. By definition, he's a responsible worker. So if he gets fired he had had to have done some sick shit.
DAY ONE: "Lance, all the female co-workers are claiming that their lipsticks have come up missing. Would you know anything about that?
DAY TWO: "Lance, all the female co-workers are now claiming that their seat cushions have come up missing as well. Are you sure you don't know anything about that?
DAY THREE: "Lance, all the female co-workers have come up missing....."
According to Dr. Phil, tardiness is a sign of conceit. It's a power trip. The party doesn't start until I show up. The eggs don't hatch until my ass sits on them.
Now of course I don't agree with Dr. Phil. I'll tell you why I'm late. Every single time that I've been early I've forgotten something. Like my cellphone .. or my pants. I'd rather be late and fully dressed .. than on time, sitting in my Aquaman Underroos.
I'm such a professional at being late that I have irresponsibility down to a science. Not only do I have outstanding snooze reflexes but I get up BEFORE the alarm rings just to turn it off so that it doesn't do its job of waking me up when it's supposed to.
Perhaps I get a rush from being late. Like some folks shoot heroin or snort coke to get high. I press Snooze 5 times to get my adrenaline pumping. I'm not irresponsible. I'm an extreme athlete. Now if you will excuse me I gotta go grab my blanket and work out.
posted by Paul at 10:45 PM
3 Comments:
I was late once. I like to push the envelope every once in a while. Fortunately nobody noticed. Hmmm...
this is how i live.
Hey Bitch! No joke, you are always late. You were soooo late, as in YOU NEVER SHOWED, to my return performance at the improv. Thank God for my better Indian friend....
YA HEARD!?!?!?!?!?!
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