In Retrospect..

So as the month of Paul-uary draws to a close, let's take a look back at what happened in the month of me

1. I had a few free dinners
2. I had a few free drinks
3. I had a few people buy into the concept of a Paul-uary

Was the popularity of Paul-uary successful? Not so much, but it's a start. I'm sure even Black History Month when it first started in 1926 took some time to really get going. In fact if it weren't for TV commercials and BET comedians, most people probably wouldn't even realize that Black History Month existed. I mean does anyone here even know that we have an Asian History Month? Of course not, because there's no commercials or tributes on TV to remind you.

(by the way, it's in May)

So what I'm suggesting is that I need commercials, radio airtime, maybe even a month-long miniseries about me on PBS, chock full of black-and-white photos and other archival Paul footage. Morgan Freeman narrates. Ken Burns produces. Others talk of me, interspersed with stand-up footage and home video of me singing "Little Drummer Boy" in 2nd grade. Then and only then will Paul-uary become a household phenomenon.

So I'm trying to clean out my apartment as I move into new digs and I'm flooded with loose change. I have a penny infestation, and I can't rid myself of it because pennies are completely worthless. They don't have the same privileges that other coins have. They're not allowed in tollbooths, parking meters won't take them, vending machines won't accept them. You hand them to a homeless man and he'll flick them right back at you. The other coins know the penny's useless too. From left to right, place a quarter, dime, nickel, and penny right next to each other. The penny's the only one where the president is facing to the right. The other ones are facing to the left, almost as if they're disgusted and don't want to be associated with him ..

"Pssh. How dare he bring his cheap ass even near us. The only thing he's good for is scratching lottery tickets!"

The only reason I even have so much change is because my friend kept telling me to put all my change in a jar and six months from now I'll be surprised as to how much money I have in that jar. Yeah, I'll be lugging that jar to the bank, in a wheelbarrow.

"This is the heaviest 10 bucks ever. I wish someone would rob me."

The only time I ever defend the penny is whenever I see those 1-800-COLLECT commercials that claim "You can't get much for a buck these days"

Really? You ever taken 100 pennies and put them inside a wet tube sock and knocked somebody upside the head with it? You can get their wallet and their car keys .. and THAT'S what you can get for a buck these days.

$350, a Visa card, and a Daewoo.

I'll be christening my new apartment sometime during Black History Month. Come over and bring a cupcake.

Oh and today's my mom's birthday. Thank you for the "knickers" joke.

Paul Varghese: October 2006 (San Jose, CA)

This was taped in San Jose, California at the Montgomery Theater as part of Contemporary Asian Theater Scene's annual Asian Comedy Night. Video/editing credit goes to Tony Bellon and the final cut edit credit goest to Jay Mandyam.

The month of me.

It's coming. That national event known as Paul Day. I'll be a year older tomorrow. I was born premature. Act immature. And now, chronogically, am supposed to be mature. Not alot has changed though since I was 16.

I still try to amuse others
I still have no money
I still wear the same size jeans

What sucks about celebrating a birthday is different people want to celebrate on that same day. So instead of having everyone meet in one central location to celebrate, I've decided to rename the entire month of January ..

Paul-uary

Now don't judge. This really is for the better. First off, I would never want all of my friends and family to show up in a central location to celebrate Paul-uary 4th. What if there was a huge fire in this "central location". I'd escape (After all, it's my birthday, and we all know that you're always God's favorite on your birthday) That leaves all my friends and family alone at Chuck E. Cheese to perish in the flames

Now I'm all alone. I'll have to make friends with their friends and family, after meeting them at the numerous funerals I'll have to attend. That completely books my schedule for the next few weeks and, as a result, sucks all fun out of the month of Paul-uary. And what fun will those friends be, we'll spend all our time together reminiscing about our mutual "dead" friend, and, chances are, they'll resent me as is, for saving myself from the flames.

"Hey my birthday is the one day I get to be selfish! Now maybe I should've went back to lend a hand instead of standing out in the parking lot, finishing my slice of cake and opening my presents, but I was still in birthday mode! Can you blame me, you only turn 30 once!"

I do love how we celebrate being alive for another year by stuffing our faces with enough sugar to decay an elephant's tusks and drinking enough alcohol to make our own blood cells flammable.

PAUL'S RULES FOR BIRTHDAY CELEBRATIONS..

1. When buying a shot for someone on their birthday, buy one for yourself so you can take it with them. Birthday boy taking a shot by himself is like a football player celebrating a touchdown and everyone in the stadium's on their cellphone
2. Don't get Birthday Boy schnockered off of Jager bombs and vodka tonics and then let him drive himself home. It's almost like your friends buy all this liquor for you to celebrate so that you drive home and crash into a ball of flames just so they don't have to spend all their money for your birthday ever again (Get it? Because you're DEAD.)
3. You're not allowed to get schnockered on your friend's birthday. Birthday Boy shouldn't have to babysit. It's Birthday Boy's one night to be DWI bait. Not yours. Quit trying to steal his inebriated thunder.
4. Cupcakes only. We're sticking to a theme. Everything is in shot-like form
5. No comments on how old the Birthday Boy is getting. This is a time to celebrate not mourn. Don't rag on him. Make him feel appreciated and cool. It's his night. Even if he's standing drunk in a Wal-Mart parking lot at 4 a.m, with his pants down around his ankles, puking and pissing on himself, he is still (Repeat after me) THE PIMPIEST OF PIMPS AROUND.
6. Who said you had to take Birthday Boy out for a "birthday dinner". There's lots of other meals that Birthday Boy appreciates. Breakfast, lunch, Hooters' wings, cake batter ice cream from Cold Stone, Kool-aid and Nerds candy, a 3am Whataburger taquito...
7. No "Happy Birthday" song. Only TV theme songs. Pick a good one like Laverne and Shirley, The Love Boat, or Three's Company, or you can even pick instrumental ones like The Price is Right or The A-Team and I'll gladly sing it with you, swaying back and forth with a shot of tequila and a cupcake in each hand
8. Cake BEFORE booze. You don't want alcohol on the breath before you celebrate. You'll blow out the candles and set the curtains on fire.

And most important to remember .. it is now officially Paul-uary. The month is mine. So if you can't celebrate on the actual day of the 4th, you have 27 other days to celebrate my greatness. I expanded my birthday to a birthmonth just so everyone would have a chance to squeeze their "I love Paul" love in. I do this because I care ..

about me