Miss Her, Kiss Her, Love Her

I once was whole. Solid. Pristene. Noble, strong. Elegance glistened from my countenance like glitter on a stripper. If I was a rock formation, I'd be Gibraltar.

But all that has changed. I am transformed. What once was considered unscathed and unaltered has now been tinkered, contaminated, and altogether deteriorated. My soul has regressed from a Gibraltar-like status to that of the Grand Canyon. From world-wide natural wonder to a tourist attraction. From a shining example of God's power to the place where Bobby and Cindy Brady once got lost.

I was happy, sincere, full of dreams and other positive hallucinations. But then SHE came into my life... Like the Colorado River. Emotionally eroding everything that I thought was real. She altered my perception with one twist and turn of her rapidly moving waters.

Her name? That's not important. What is important is that I'll never get what I once had, back. She's taken that away. She's made her mark.. And I have the postcard to prove it

Her name? Still not important. That's not why I wrote this blog. I wrote to express. I wrote to confess. I wrote to digress from all the ridiculous monotony that this blog has crumbled itself into.

Her name? Will you quit asking me? What? Do you wanna hook up with her? Back off. Quit being so nosy. I told you it's not important. Look, I shouldn't have even said anything. Next time I'll just keep it to my own brain blog. The one that never gets uploaded for public consumption. Thanks alot. I'm trying to make a point and this whole time you're just trying to get into her panties. Look, I thought you'd listen and instead you're hung up on her name. Fine. I'll give it to you

Stand-up Comedy

Don't ever get involved with her. She's poison. Poison. Poison. Poison. P-P-P-P-P Poison.

Buy or Cell

Why are these being advertised online? It's like getting a call on your cellphone from a pager company trying to sell you on a year-long service plan

My friend got an advertisement texted to his cellphone. That's annoying as is: the fact that spam has broken thru to a whole new medium. What was even more ridiculous was that the ad read "If you'd like to unsubscribe from this mailing list, send back a text message saying UNSUBSCRIBE "

How do you invade privacy then put the onus on the invadee to say something about it? You don't break into someone's house just because they never told you not to.

Hey, if you're gonna advertise on my cellphone then atleast sell relatable products

DRUNKGUARD (Much like a breathalyzer, you have to blow in the receiver and it decides if you're too drunk to dial. Prevents calls to the ex or any of their friends you've had a crush on)

AN "I'M NOT SCHIZOPHRENIC" FOREHEAD STICKER (To be worn when using one of those earpieces to talk through. Prevents you from being mistaken for a random babbling crack junkie)

MOOD RINGS (Ringtones that will give you different sounds according to the mood of the person calling from the other end. So like if your girlfriend/boyfriend is calling and they're pissed it plays like Prodigy's Smack My Bitch up or any Nine Inch Nails song, then you know not to answer it. If Jay-Z's Big Pimpin pops up, you know a night of random loving awaits)

VIDEO OPTIONS (So you can see what your friends are really doing when they're talking to you. Cellphones have given people the option to talk while doing anything, and by knowing what your friend is doing while he/she is talking to you can let you know where you stand on the buddy buddy totem pole. If she's talking to you while lying in bed naked [SCORE] If she's talking to you while lying in bed naked.. with someone else [YOU'VE BEEN PLAYED]

GEIGER COUNTER (I know that radiation is slowly leaking into my skull with every conversation. Just let me know how much. Not specifically in scientific increments that I wouldn't understand. Just give me an approximate countdown in years, days, and hours as to when exactly I will begin to slur my speech and grow a blowhole)

Finally I'd like to save as much money on my next cellphone bill as I did switching to Geico. So little lizard get to work.

Gets to Typin

Only 11 days left in the month and let's see the blog count for July?..Hmm..okay...carry the one..

ONE

Yeah, I've been slacking. You can blame it on many things. More travel for stand-up than I've ever had before. Still reeling from the 1st ever Take Your Blog to Work Day. Senior-itis

That's what they used to call in high school, the apathy that set in with high school seniors when there was only a few months left before graduation. I suffer from procrastination and a lack of discipline all the time. This blog is a testament to that.

I'd be the worst superhero. Putting off saving people from petty crimes like carjackings and pursesnatching and just waiting for The Penguin to go for his big score. After all, villians ain't just villians on Mondays. It's a lifelong commitment. In fact those guys are more committed and disciplined than their heroic counterparts. They've always got more elaborate costumes, some have riddles, others practice a demonic laugh, and yet others must learn how to cope with their brand new monstrous disfiguration and how to use it to their advantage

Why do we never get to hear about the villians' rehabilitation back into society? You know, when they finally get out on parole and have to assimilate themselves back into everyday normal humdrum...

I wanna see The Penguin sacking groceries. Dr. Octopus driving an ice cream truck through the ghetto. I need to re-route this blog now. Superhero babble never gets the chicks.

So I care. I'm sensitive. I'm a great listener. Since when did listening become an attractive personality trait? It's what everybody does. If someone's not listening it's because the person volleying conversation on the other end is boring. It has nothing to do with the self-centered, disinterested, egotistical man on the other end. It's not our fault. Football has instant replay, that's what conversation with your significant other needs. Because it's always that moment where your concentration drifts off for a second that you miss a vital piece of information..

"So she told me that.."
- get sidetracked when someone walks by with a vanilla cupcake -
"What do you think she meant by it?

Let's go to the replay! Just remember that even in the NFL where millions of dollars are at stake, instant replay can only be used twice a game. So ration out your zoning-outedness fellas. Remember, you'll need to save atleast one for when she reminds you of y'all's anniversary.

Home is Where the Blog is

So I finally am situated for the next few days or so to pool some thoughts together. I didn't realize how long it's been since I last blogged. Last month to be exact and that was a complete mind bender. So to recap where I've been the last 2 weeks let's go to the map, shall we?

Dallas to Miami to the Bahamas back to Miami to Dallas to Chicago to L.A to back home

My suitcase even had the stickers with the names of each destination on it just like you see in cartoons, not for souvenir purposes, but because the airlines lost my baggage. They were always one city behind.

Miami to the Bahamas was a cruiseship. First time ever on a cruise and I didn't realize how trashy cruise patrons can be. How come the people that shouldn't be in swimsuits always just wanna be? It's not called a two-piece because that's your favorite dinner at KFC. Just like guys, it's not called swim "trunks" because your body resembles that of an elephant.

Look, I'm not a ripped guy by any means. I'm lean cut. Grade A. I'm aware of my flaws. Many are not. Granted, maybe I'm bitter because these cretins were taking up valuable poolspace and I was afraid of diving in and getting stuck. It was like a house party in the hot tub (By the way if you saw the people sitting in the "hot tub", you'd realize that there was nothing "hot" about that tub). Because I was expecting a Jay-Z video, when instead I got Richard Simmons

No clocks. No shuffleboard. No Julie the Cruise Director. Lots of sun. Lots of flesh. Gobs and gobs of it. Even lost my cellphone signal for 3 days while we were out there. Freaked me out because it's like being dead. No one knows where you are, you have no contact with them. Creepy. Especially if people knew that where I was was more similar to Hell than Heaven

Despite the visuals, the cruise was great. The people were so nice. The shows I performed at were incredible. The most diverse group I've ever performed to with ages ranging from 5 to 75, and one-fourth of them not even speaking English. A little kid heckled me throughout the first show but I had security escort him out. They put him in a sleeperhold then threw him overboard. Don't worry though, I put a luggage tag around his wrist so when the island natives find him washed ashore they know where to send him back

Illinois was this past weekend and was my very first ever headlining gig in a theater. We went to a local bar the night before and that marked my very first time singing karaoke (in Skokie) and because of the response I got from the drunken crowd, I've now decided that when I'm in a situation where karaoke breaks out it's time for me to make my mark. The song I sang? You guessed it

Special thanks out to Yav, Sireen and his whole family for showing us the greatest time out there. I wish all promoters treated us the way you did. It meant so much. If you want to know how to treat performers, email those guys and ask how it's done.

L.A was how L.A always is. No parking and expensive. I love the crowds there. We flew in on Saturday morning at 11 a.m, had no sleep, had come straight from a bar in Illinois to the airport and walked around the festival in L.A on Saturday, smelling like Friday. Stankonia. No sleep and no soap make Paul a bad bitter boy. I finally de-funked an hour before the show and then all was right with the world. That night the vodka poured like raindrops in Brazil, it was really poetic..and intoxicating..and queasy

I'm back for a little spat and then a corporate gig and then Houston on Wednesday, July 20th at the Improv. So if you're around Houston, come support. If not, tell folks who live down there. I need love. We need love. That's really what the world's missing..

Well that and pre-made Tang in a jug