Bessie Wants Out

Last week I was in Poland and my sneakers got dirty. So I had to buy shoe polish. In Poland. I bought Polish shoe polish. I said that ten times fast, and my dictionary melted

....

29 years ago this day, my mom's contractions were getting closer and closer. My dad was working overtime at Kroger to stash up more money. And my sister was counting down the days to where she would no longer be the baby of the family and have to fend for herself.

Me? I was chilling in the Womb O' Varghese. Nice climate. Steady, although redundant, meals. But in the end? Lonely. Very lonely. And I had stuff I wanted to do. Friends I wanted to make. Jokes I wanted to tell.

So three weeks before I was scheduled to make my entrance into society, I started kicking. And kicking. And I think that's the most energy I've exerted, even to this day.

...

If you're reading this and you're in Dallas, like me, then you're absolutely loving the weather we're having right now. We had two cold days so far, way back in November, and right now it's 75 degrees. In January. Maybe this is the beginning of the whole global warming phenomenon. And maybe because of that, weather all around the world is being permanently altered.

And I, for one, am so happy.

I knew there was a reason that Texas women used 40 oz. cans of hair spray to hold up their bee-hive bouffant Lady Bird Johnson hairdos. Others called it pollution. They looked at their aerosolic abuse as a long-term investment for our happiness. And because of their insensitivity towards anything environmental, I salute them.

Now let's all celebrate by refusing to carpool and chopping down a Peruvian rainforest.