This (like all of them) was written out of boredom
So it's damn hot down here right now which means everyone's scantily clad. Scantily's definitely a word that's not used enough.
So because of the heat, I'm laying out by the pool (Because this tan doesn't stick year-round) and notice that every guy has a hairless body. Baby skin bodies yet they have goatees. Which means they're shaving their chests clean. Now if you asked them, they'd vehemently deny it .
So they're clean shaven on their bodies (and vehemently deny that they shave) .. yet they have goatees? Meaning puberty only hit them from the neck up. So your voice dropped but your balls didn't?
...
It's weird that once family and friends find out that you're a comedian, how everyone starts asking about why you're not on TV. As if being on TV is the only sign of success. My folks are so obsessed with me being on TV at some point that I think they'd brag if they even got on there. I mean their house could be hit by a hurricane and they'd call me the next day
"Did you see our roof on NBC? It flew by so quick that you might've missed it. But your mother was on TV for a long time as she screamed for her life, clutching onto the bathtub. Looks like you're not the only celebrity in the family now!"
...
My friend Libby has one of those emergency whistles, on her keychain, that she can blow in case she get attacked. But it's not like one of those high-pitched dog whistles. It sounds more like something that you'd hear in a hillbilly jug band. If I heard it, I wouldn't think beatdown .. I'd think hoedown. Someone's not getting mugged, they're do-si-do-ing. I'd follow the whistle, only to find her laying in a dark alley, blood pouring from her gut, and all I'd want to know is..
"Hey Libby, I know you're a little preoccupied right now, but did you happen to hear that whistle? Because I think someone might be making tea. And I am yet to see a Starbucks anywhere."
...
The more I think of getting married the more I dread the actual process of getting married. I just don't want to go through the meaningless, annoying fights in regards to the wedding ceremony. You know, like what flavor will the wedding cake be? And what ethnicity will the stripper be, that jumps out of it
So because of the heat, I'm laying out by the pool (Because this tan doesn't stick year-round) and notice that every guy has a hairless body. Baby skin bodies yet they have goatees. Which means they're shaving their chests clean. Now if you asked them, they'd vehemently deny it .
So they're clean shaven on their bodies (and vehemently deny that they shave) .. yet they have goatees? Meaning puberty only hit them from the neck up. So your voice dropped but your balls didn't?
...
It's weird that once family and friends find out that you're a comedian, how everyone starts asking about why you're not on TV. As if being on TV is the only sign of success. My folks are so obsessed with me being on TV at some point that I think they'd brag if they even got on there. I mean their house could be hit by a hurricane and they'd call me the next day
"Did you see our roof on NBC? It flew by so quick that you might've missed it. But your mother was on TV for a long time as she screamed for her life, clutching onto the bathtub. Looks like you're not the only celebrity in the family now!"
...
My friend Libby has one of those emergency whistles, on her keychain, that she can blow in case she get attacked. But it's not like one of those high-pitched dog whistles. It sounds more like something that you'd hear in a hillbilly jug band. If I heard it, I wouldn't think beatdown .. I'd think hoedown. Someone's not getting mugged, they're do-si-do-ing. I'd follow the whistle, only to find her laying in a dark alley, blood pouring from her gut, and all I'd want to know is..
"Hey Libby, I know you're a little preoccupied right now, but did you happen to hear that whistle? Because I think someone might be making tea. And I am yet to see a Starbucks anywhere."
...
The more I think of getting married the more I dread the actual process of getting married. I just don't want to go through the meaningless, annoying fights in regards to the wedding ceremony. You know, like what flavor will the wedding cake be? And what ethnicity will the stripper be, that jumps out of it
posted by Paul at 10:42 AM
2 Comments:
Bear with me here. You're not getting married are you? Sorry I didn't see the 60 minutes Paul Varghese special.
No! Not at all. I'd rather you spread a rumor that I had Herpes than tell them I was getting hitched. Now see what you did? I thought that no matter how annoying your blog comments were, I swore that I'd never respond to them. I thought there was absolutely nothing you could ever type that would make me want to even acknowledge it with any kind of feedback. But lo and behold, you had to pull out the "marriage" card and I'm stuck between a rock and a Tom Botts. Congratulations. You have just cracked my own personal DaVinci Code.
Post a Comment
<< Home