Day 2 Day
Whenever people find out that I do stand-up full time, they always say first "Wow. Congratulations. That's a big risk. I'm very impressed." then the next question is always "So I know you perform every night, but what do you do all day?"
7:30 Wake up
7:31 Realize that I'm a full-time comic, so why am I up this early?
7:32 Back to la-la-land
10:00 Bowl of Honeycomb, Price is Right, eagerly await Plinko
10:47 Scream at Price is Right contestant to pass on the first Showcase in the Showcase Showdown. Eat last piece of soggy Honeycomb because I got caught up during the mountain-climbing yodeling man price guess game
11:00 Email back the world and make a phone call or 2
12:00 Take a shower and wonder what it would be like to have a real job with real money with real health insurance, after wondering what that mysterious rash is on the back of my shoulder
12:20 Go back to e-mailing and maybe blog
1:00 Maury Povich is on and it's a new episode "Paternity Tests: We tested 10 men and none are the father"
1:05 After the 11th man who's tested ends up not being the father..begin to wonder if I could be the father
1:06 Wash away any doubts about my own promiscuity by bathing in ESPN.
1:20 Continue to second-guess my career after noticing another mysterious rash behind my left knee
1:21 Flip over to religious programming and pray about my itchy condition with Benny Hinn and that lady with the purple hair
1:30 Interrupted by a phone call from another local comic saying he's starting a new stand-up night in the back dining section of a Luby's cafeteria
1:31 Agree to perform at cafeteria, with hopes that I'll get paid in okra
1:33 Flip through my notebook to go over material I did the previous night and what I plan to do tonight
2:15 E-mail makes a return appearance
3:00 Call or text message around to see if other comics will be making it out to Luby's Comedy Night
3:15 Realize that I'm the only fool that is willing to do it and I'm now the headlining draw. Immediately flip through my notebook to look for squash casserole and banana pudding jokes
4:00 Go to get ointment for previously mentioned rash
4:20 Get recognized at Walgreen's by an incredibly hot blonde who's seen me perform at the Improv before and wonders where I'm performing next. I remain slick enough to not mention the upcoming Luby's performance but then she looks down and sees me buying rash cream and decides it's time to end the conversation. Another business card transaction wasted
4:45 Write a joke about rash cream
4:50 Scour nearby fast food place for their value "menu". Here's a hint: It's only a menu if a waiter hands it to you. It's not a menu if it's outside and has a speaker box attached
5:15 ESPN: I'm sorry I left for so long. I didn't mean to. I'll keep you company for the next hour
6:30 Go hang with friends until the "show" that night. Emphasis on quotation marks
9:00 Show's over. Only got called a "damn Iraqi" once. Got paid in sweet tea, tater tots, and blackberry cobbler
9:02 Call Sprint and find out that they don't accept food as currency
9:03 Alcohol calls and we have a great conversation until 2am
Night falls
7:30 Wake up
7:31 Realize that I'm a full-time comic, so why am I up this early?
7:32 Back to la-la-land
10:00 Bowl of Honeycomb, Price is Right, eagerly await Plinko
10:47 Scream at Price is Right contestant to pass on the first Showcase in the Showcase Showdown. Eat last piece of soggy Honeycomb because I got caught up during the mountain-climbing yodeling man price guess game
11:00 Email back the world and make a phone call or 2
12:00 Take a shower and wonder what it would be like to have a real job with real money with real health insurance, after wondering what that mysterious rash is on the back of my shoulder
12:20 Go back to e-mailing and maybe blog
1:00 Maury Povich is on and it's a new episode "Paternity Tests: We tested 10 men and none are the father"
1:05 After the 11th man who's tested ends up not being the father..begin to wonder if I could be the father
1:06 Wash away any doubts about my own promiscuity by bathing in ESPN.
1:20 Continue to second-guess my career after noticing another mysterious rash behind my left knee
1:21 Flip over to religious programming and pray about my itchy condition with Benny Hinn and that lady with the purple hair
1:30 Interrupted by a phone call from another local comic saying he's starting a new stand-up night in the back dining section of a Luby's cafeteria
1:31 Agree to perform at cafeteria, with hopes that I'll get paid in okra
1:33 Flip through my notebook to go over material I did the previous night and what I plan to do tonight
2:15 E-mail makes a return appearance
3:00 Call or text message around to see if other comics will be making it out to Luby's Comedy Night
3:15 Realize that I'm the only fool that is willing to do it and I'm now the headlining draw. Immediately flip through my notebook to look for squash casserole and banana pudding jokes
4:00 Go to get ointment for previously mentioned rash
4:20 Get recognized at Walgreen's by an incredibly hot blonde who's seen me perform at the Improv before and wonders where I'm performing next. I remain slick enough to not mention the upcoming Luby's performance but then she looks down and sees me buying rash cream and decides it's time to end the conversation. Another business card transaction wasted
4:45 Write a joke about rash cream
4:50 Scour nearby fast food place for their value "menu". Here's a hint: It's only a menu if a waiter hands it to you. It's not a menu if it's outside and has a speaker box attached
5:15 ESPN: I'm sorry I left for so long. I didn't mean to. I'll keep you company for the next hour
6:30 Go hang with friends until the "show" that night. Emphasis on quotation marks
9:00 Show's over. Only got called a "damn Iraqi" once. Got paid in sweet tea, tater tots, and blackberry cobbler
9:02 Call Sprint and find out that they don't accept food as currency
9:03 Alcohol calls and we have a great conversation until 2am
Night falls
posted by Paul at 5:44 PM
8 Comments:
ilovepaulvarghese: It is time to out yourself. Since DeepThroat anncounced his identity, you are the world's last great mystery. (Waylon caught Bigfoot, who confessed to faking the moon landing and starting the rumor about Richard Gere and the gerbil.)
There are only two reasons I can think of that you would keep your identity a secret:
1)You're an inmate, a mental patient, a registered sex offender, a dude, or any combination of the four -- this is known as the "Tom Botts" option.
2)You're really shy.
3)You're Tom Botts.
I can't help you if you're #1 or #3 -- no one can -- but if you're just shy, don't be. If you're a girl, every guy who has ever met you has pictured you naked. Letting us know who you are can't be as uncomfortable as that truth.
signed,
Anonymous*
(*I'll show you my identity if you show me yours.)
"As hard as a secret is to uncover, it's even harder to keep."
That bit of wisdom comes from the 10,478 promos of "The Closer" that I've seen in the past month during the NBA playoffs.
Begins June 13th on TNT!
.... sorry.
PS "Yikes!" Yikes?!
Paul, I know who she is: Velma from Scooby Doo.
"Ilovepaulvarghese" Don't feel the need to expose yourself (identity-wise). Although I'm curious as to who you are, the constant pounding you're taking through the comment section of this blog entry can feel a wee bit intrusive. At some point, you'll come clean to me and all will be well with the world. But until then, keep the name and keep on posting.
Yes! If you are me, then keep it a secret. Judging by my last appearance being an inmate or registered sex offender would probably help me out. At least Paul is not in a band where you sit on the back of the van of equipment all day wishing you had a TV and a bath before you haul all your shit up four flights of stairs to some crap hole for half the door split three ways and end up owing because the drummer drank it all but that's not the point here. Paul showed up at the Backdoor last night and did some new material but that is not the point either. The point is that I'm probably going to parlay that into some face time with a hot chick. I will casually mention that I went up last night before Paul Varghese and that will probably make her more open to the idea of me touching her stuff. I just wanted to say Thanks Paul!
Hey if I can't get some..I'd atleast like to help out my fellow stand-up brethren by helping them get their share. I'm generous like that
Whoa, that takes me back. I watched the "Price is Right" growing up. My two favorite games? The Matterhorn and Plinko.
Love the blog, Paul. Gives me something to do when I'm actually supposed to be working. Work is overrated. So are clowns. Now I'm scared. I have to go.
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