I've Got Thin Skin
Why do people still insist on asking me "Do you eat Paul? You're so skinny. Do you ever eat?"
"No. I don't. I've been on a hunger strike ever since they cancelled Small Wonder. Now will you leave me alone? I have to go get more signatures for my petition!"
I eat until I'm full. Half-eaten hamburger or not. I call it quits. I clock out. I have friends who believe that if you order a value meal at Taco Bell, you are now legally obligated to finish that entire meal, fake cheese and all. There's no food monitor, people. Nobody will rat you out. If you knew what they put into an Enchrito, you'd go to Taco Bueno.
I don't profess to know every secret to staying lean. But I do know this. Trying to take advantage of a buffet's "All You Can Eat" policy won't get you there. You're not "sticking it to the man" if you go back for 4ths or 5ths at Chong's Super Buffet. He knows that people will try to eat him out of business, which is why he uses kitten meat in his fried rice.
I'm glad I'm not super huge. It wouldn't look right on me anyway. I have a long, triangular face..so a big buffed body would be out of place. I'd look like a TV set with a piece of candy corn on top.
Plus I have a bad temper. Me with the muscles of the everyman? I'd pummel anyone who didn't let me into V.I.P. I think the smaller the guy you are, the more crazier you appear to others when you do lash out with your temper. Because then people begin to ponder...
1) Did he come here with a bunch of friends that can back him up
2) Is he carrying a weapon
3) Maybe he's well-versed in martial arts
4) Am I on an episode of MTV's Boiling Points
5) Does he have a bunch of friends that are carrying weapons and are well-versed in the martial arts who are pissed because they wasted the day watching a marathon of MTV's Boiling Points
A friend told me about ear candles. It involves lighting a candle to clean out ear wax. Lighting anything close to my skin never appealed to me. Which is why I'm still alive. The fact that someone took it upon themselves to invent such a thing means that there were fatalities involved in the creation/tweaking process. I was never a fan of fire. Someone actually said to me, "Wow Paul, you're afraid of fire!" Afraid has nothing to do with it. It's common sense
"Yeah, I'm afraid of fire just like I'm afraid of flying bullets. In fact my biggest fear is falling off a 23 story building. As soon as I can muster up the courage to jump off of one and not cry and anticipate my impending death, but just enjoy the freefall.. then maybe I'll be able to work on my other phobias. Venomous snake bites..Here I come!"
"No. I don't. I've been on a hunger strike ever since they cancelled Small Wonder. Now will you leave me alone? I have to go get more signatures for my petition!"
I eat until I'm full. Half-eaten hamburger or not. I call it quits. I clock out. I have friends who believe that if you order a value meal at Taco Bell, you are now legally obligated to finish that entire meal, fake cheese and all. There's no food monitor, people. Nobody will rat you out. If you knew what they put into an Enchrito, you'd go to Taco Bueno.
I don't profess to know every secret to staying lean. But I do know this. Trying to take advantage of a buffet's "All You Can Eat" policy won't get you there. You're not "sticking it to the man" if you go back for 4ths or 5ths at Chong's Super Buffet. He knows that people will try to eat him out of business, which is why he uses kitten meat in his fried rice.
I'm glad I'm not super huge. It wouldn't look right on me anyway. I have a long, triangular face..so a big buffed body would be out of place. I'd look like a TV set with a piece of candy corn on top.
Plus I have a bad temper. Me with the muscles of the everyman? I'd pummel anyone who didn't let me into V.I.P. I think the smaller the guy you are, the more crazier you appear to others when you do lash out with your temper. Because then people begin to ponder...
1) Did he come here with a bunch of friends that can back him up
2) Is he carrying a weapon
3) Maybe he's well-versed in martial arts
4) Am I on an episode of MTV's Boiling Points
5) Does he have a bunch of friends that are carrying weapons and are well-versed in the martial arts who are pissed because they wasted the day watching a marathon of MTV's Boiling Points
A friend told me about ear candles. It involves lighting a candle to clean out ear wax. Lighting anything close to my skin never appealed to me. Which is why I'm still alive. The fact that someone took it upon themselves to invent such a thing means that there were fatalities involved in the creation/tweaking process. I was never a fan of fire. Someone actually said to me, "Wow Paul, you're afraid of fire!" Afraid has nothing to do with it. It's common sense
"Yeah, I'm afraid of fire just like I'm afraid of flying bullets. In fact my biggest fear is falling off a 23 story building. As soon as I can muster up the courage to jump off of one and not cry and anticipate my impending death, but just enjoy the freefall.. then maybe I'll be able to work on my other phobias. Venomous snake bites..Here I come!"
posted by Paul at 4:45 PM
3 Comments:
You slay me, you really do, but now I have to wonder whether your emphatic denials about a possible eating disorder don't make me think we may have another Mary Kate Olsen, Lindsay Lohan or even the the lesser known or talented, Nicole Richie- on our hands. Admitting the problem is the 1st step.
Just joshin'- the whole skinny, tall, angular thing works for u.
the ear candle inventor should win a darwin award.
I am the third anonymous but only because I am not creative enough to think of my own blogger name, not because I am trying to hide something (except for maybe my obvious obession with Paul, Oh, wait, I think that is just gas). Paul, I just want to say I hate people like you. People who don't feel like they have to finish the food on their plate and thus reap the rewards of being thin. I must admit, along with the other anoymous, that it does suit you well. Actually, to be honest, a little more meat on your bones would suit you ALOT better but you can only be so SEXY when trying to do stand up comedy, or it just won't work for you, right?
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