Birthday Suit
Dyan Cannon
Tom Thumb
Louis Braille
All were born today.
- Dyan Cannon's not really known for a whole lot, much like myself. Most people know her as a fixture at Lakers games. Not that I wouldn't want to be known as that kind of celebrity either.
"Hey did you check out that new Dyan Cannon movie? Yeah, neither did I."
- Tom Thumb's a grocery store icon now, but he had nothing to do with that. He was a sideshow midget for Ringling Bros. circus for oodles of years. I'm sure he, nor his family, get a royalty check from the Tom Thumb grocery store chain for using his name. They probably don't even get a Rewards card. Hey can we atleast hook the Thumbseses with a coupon? Hook a mini-brotha up!
I once read that Don Shula had the same birthday as me. He's the all-time winningest coach in NFL history. Not that I had anything to do with that, but I'd like to think that if I were to roam an NFL sideline, I'd have a cosmic, predestined advantage that other coaches didn't, because we share the same birthdate. Either that or the advantage may not be NFL related. Instead I'm better off mooching for floor tickets for the Mavs games or in a circus cage getting hit on by the Bearded Lady.
- But Louis Braille? Now that's impressive. Not that he was conceived on the same date, because folks, I was born premature. 2 weeks to be exact. In fact, as my mom likes to say
"That was the only time you were ever early"
Braille invented a reading system for the blind. If you lose your fingers in a woodchipper, they don't have footballs or baseballs specially designed for you to throw. No, if you want to be on a sports team, with no fingers, then your job is relegated to hi-fives and pats on the ass
Who has the insight to think ..
"I know they can't see. But who are we to deny them the right to Where the Sidewalk Ends? They deserve to know what happens when Sarah Cynthia Sylvia Stout does not take the garbage out"
I can only hope that when my life becomes a memory that I leave some sort of legacy. Some contribution to humanity besides a joke about Wheres' Waldo.
I propose contributing my facial hair. I've seen a rash of Hispanic males and middle-aged Vietnamese men who can't seem to grow full on moustaches. They have 20 hairs all trying to band together to look like one. Yet these guys insist on making it work. I'll fill in their blanks with the grizzle that the Teen Wolf God up above cursed me with.
I shave at 10. My 5 o'clock shadow shows up at 10:15. So when I hear a woman go
"I don't like men with facial hair."
I think..
"Wow, we have so much in common, because I don't like women with facial hair either"
So as I embark into the last year of my 20s, it's time to brace for the 3-0. I've heard life begins at 30 and then gets better at 40.
Life beginning at 30 would be a creepy conception. To have moms giving birth to 30 year old adults. Coming out of the womb with the right to vote, drink, and rent a car? It'd make life in an incubator fly by if I could chug down a few vodka tonics.
"Mom, does Similac cure a hangover? Oh and don't worry about pushing me in a stroller, I'll just go for a spin in the Escalade."
Tom Thumb
Louis Braille
All were born today.
- Dyan Cannon's not really known for a whole lot, much like myself. Most people know her as a fixture at Lakers games. Not that I wouldn't want to be known as that kind of celebrity either.
"Hey did you check out that new Dyan Cannon movie? Yeah, neither did I."
- Tom Thumb's a grocery store icon now, but he had nothing to do with that. He was a sideshow midget for Ringling Bros. circus for oodles of years. I'm sure he, nor his family, get a royalty check from the Tom Thumb grocery store chain for using his name. They probably don't even get a Rewards card. Hey can we atleast hook the Thumbseses with a coupon? Hook a mini-brotha up!
I once read that Don Shula had the same birthday as me. He's the all-time winningest coach in NFL history. Not that I had anything to do with that, but I'd like to think that if I were to roam an NFL sideline, I'd have a cosmic, predestined advantage that other coaches didn't, because we share the same birthdate. Either that or the advantage may not be NFL related. Instead I'm better off mooching for floor tickets for the Mavs games or in a circus cage getting hit on by the Bearded Lady.
- But Louis Braille? Now that's impressive. Not that he was conceived on the same date, because folks, I was born premature. 2 weeks to be exact. In fact, as my mom likes to say
"That was the only time you were ever early"
Braille invented a reading system for the blind. If you lose your fingers in a woodchipper, they don't have footballs or baseballs specially designed for you to throw. No, if you want to be on a sports team, with no fingers, then your job is relegated to hi-fives and pats on the ass
Who has the insight to think ..
"I know they can't see. But who are we to deny them the right to Where the Sidewalk Ends? They deserve to know what happens when Sarah Cynthia Sylvia Stout does not take the garbage out"
I can only hope that when my life becomes a memory that I leave some sort of legacy. Some contribution to humanity besides a joke about Wheres' Waldo.
I propose contributing my facial hair. I've seen a rash of Hispanic males and middle-aged Vietnamese men who can't seem to grow full on moustaches. They have 20 hairs all trying to band together to look like one. Yet these guys insist on making it work. I'll fill in their blanks with the grizzle that the Teen Wolf God up above cursed me with.
I shave at 10. My 5 o'clock shadow shows up at 10:15. So when I hear a woman go
"I don't like men with facial hair."
I think..
"Wow, we have so much in common, because I don't like women with facial hair either"
So as I embark into the last year of my 20s, it's time to brace for the 3-0. I've heard life begins at 30 and then gets better at 40.
Life beginning at 30 would be a creepy conception. To have moms giving birth to 30 year old adults. Coming out of the womb with the right to vote, drink, and rent a car? It'd make life in an incubator fly by if I could chug down a few vodka tonics.
"Mom, does Similac cure a hangover? Oh and don't worry about pushing me in a stroller, I'll just go for a spin in the Escalade."
posted by Paul at 9:14 AM
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