Presi-Dental
You ever drink so much, you get a voicemail from your liver?
"Paul, I know you don't pick up calls from "Out of Area" but the fact of the matter is, I'm "Inside your Area". It's me. Your liver. Your kidneys and I have been talking and we really feel that an intervention is necessary. We're both working overtime without pay. I'd hate to go on strike because I know you have no health insurance, which is why I'd rather voice my concerns now, then surprise you later."
It was a 1-800 number so I called it back.
"The number you have reached has been disconnected"
And immediately after that, I passed out
I should've called back immediately, but I waited a few hours too long, fainted, and woke up with a Dear John letter scotch taped to my stomach. So anyone with an extra internal organ laying around, FedEx it my way. I've got an hour until I'm gonna have to start drinking a 40-ounce of NyQuil: The NightTime sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, so you can function throughout your day without your liver ,medicine
Truth is, I don't drink very often. In fact, drunk Paul's as rare as Sasquatch. Meaning when I do get boozed to the hilt, I run through the woods and scare early morning hunters. There's also a home video out there of me in my inebriated glory, but it's blurry and you can't really tell it's me.
I do eat alot of Cheetos and Twix. And there's not a whole lot of alcohol in either of those. There is plenty of sugar. But unlike alcohol, you never regret eating too much sugar the next day. The only time you regret it is when your dentist gives you a guilt trip on your visit. I feel guilty for that moment, but the second I leave the dentist's office, I'm downing candy with my newly clean teeth. It's like getting a new car every six months. When they clean your teeth, it's like a brand new odometer. Pixie Sticks, Nerd Rope, Inside-Out Reese's Peanut Butter Cups are the equivalent of driving to Oklahoma and back just for the hell of it
I get paranoid during the x-ray process because the dental assistant throws the lead vest on you then leaves the room to press the button? That's assuring. I'm gonna douse you in radiation from afar, ENJOY! It's for that reason that I think it should've been so much easier to know if Iraq had weapons of mass destruction. Just look for the guy with 12 fingers and a 2nd face growing out of his ass. Then follow him to his house. Chances are, he lives somewhere close to where Saddam and friends are cooking up nuclear concoctions.
I should be President. I just need to find a First Lady first. You can't be a single President. Well you could. Because then ABC would probably have their best version of "The Bachelor" ever. But how un-professional would it be to have meetings with the Israeli Prime Minister and then, later on that night, go out clubbing?
"Is that President Varghese with his arm around Jessica Alba? Play on playa President! That guy gets all da' hoes!"
"Paul, I know you don't pick up calls from "Out of Area" but the fact of the matter is, I'm "Inside your Area". It's me. Your liver. Your kidneys and I have been talking and we really feel that an intervention is necessary. We're both working overtime without pay. I'd hate to go on strike because I know you have no health insurance, which is why I'd rather voice my concerns now, then surprise you later."
It was a 1-800 number so I called it back.
"The number you have reached has been disconnected"
And immediately after that, I passed out
I should've called back immediately, but I waited a few hours too long, fainted, and woke up with a Dear John letter scotch taped to my stomach. So anyone with an extra internal organ laying around, FedEx it my way. I've got an hour until I'm gonna have to start drinking a 40-ounce of NyQuil: The NightTime sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, so you can function throughout your day without your liver ,medicine
Truth is, I don't drink very often. In fact, drunk Paul's as rare as Sasquatch. Meaning when I do get boozed to the hilt, I run through the woods and scare early morning hunters. There's also a home video out there of me in my inebriated glory, but it's blurry and you can't really tell it's me.
I do eat alot of Cheetos and Twix. And there's not a whole lot of alcohol in either of those. There is plenty of sugar. But unlike alcohol, you never regret eating too much sugar the next day. The only time you regret it is when your dentist gives you a guilt trip on your visit. I feel guilty for that moment, but the second I leave the dentist's office, I'm downing candy with my newly clean teeth. It's like getting a new car every six months. When they clean your teeth, it's like a brand new odometer. Pixie Sticks, Nerd Rope, Inside-Out Reese's Peanut Butter Cups are the equivalent of driving to Oklahoma and back just for the hell of it
I get paranoid during the x-ray process because the dental assistant throws the lead vest on you then leaves the room to press the button? That's assuring. I'm gonna douse you in radiation from afar, ENJOY! It's for that reason that I think it should've been so much easier to know if Iraq had weapons of mass destruction. Just look for the guy with 12 fingers and a 2nd face growing out of his ass. Then follow him to his house. Chances are, he lives somewhere close to where Saddam and friends are cooking up nuclear concoctions.
I should be President. I just need to find a First Lady first. You can't be a single President. Well you could. Because then ABC would probably have their best version of "The Bachelor" ever. But how un-professional would it be to have meetings with the Israeli Prime Minister and then, later on that night, go out clubbing?
"Is that President Varghese with his arm around Jessica Alba? Play on playa President! That guy gets all da' hoes!"
posted by Paul at 9:26 AM
5 Comments:
What's with the fucked up contractions? "ABC'd". You wrote all those words in that blog but for some reaon you got lazy when it came time to write "ABC would..." Do you have STLS- sudden typing laziness syndrome?
I realize how irritating that can be for a crusty, crabby curmudgeon such as yourself, so I corrected it. Better? By the way, STLS? Weren't you just giving me a lecture about how acronym jokes were hack? You hypocritical glass house stone-thrower!
Thanks for the company at work. Greatly Appreciated.
Mark's views on comedy:
1. Talk like a robot on stage.
2. Mark (heart) Chris Dodgen.
Carry on.
By the way, that curmudgeon line is a complement. Let me further clarify - because you guys are accusing me of contradicting myself. These are dumb blog comments - not stand up comedy. Most of the shit I utter in life and on here I would never say on a stage in the name of comedy. That's why I have a notebook. It's very particular language and ideas that make it to the stage. If I followed the rationale and you and Mark propose and said on stage the same things I say in conversation or in life- my act - and all our acts - would be very different - and very blue.
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