Cars don't pimp.

So I'm in L.A for a few days trying to be professional and not act stupid. I got a rental car. (drum roll)

White Dodge Neon

My car back home is a black 97 Nissan Maxima. And I realized that no matter what the make, model or color...

I'm unattractive in both

I've seen guys trick out their cars. Hydraulics, speakers, insurance..the works. But I don't belong in a pimpmobile. I don't weave in and out of traffic on the freeway..50 Cent bumpin in the trunk..

I'm using my turn signal..making proper lane changes..Red Hot Chili Peppers playing (at a reasonable volume because I don't wanna blow out my two remaining factory speakers) .

I really belong in sneakers, walking down the shoulder of the freeway. I'm not a cool driver.

Which reminds me of my uncle when he used to take me and my cousins to private school when we were little. He used to bring a coffee mug full of rasam ("russum"), which is like a really spicy Indian broth, to drink in the morning. Once a week while he drove us to school he'd stop to get gas. And every so often (if we were lucky) he'd forget that he left the cup o' rasam on the top of the car while he pumped gas, and he'd drive us to school while the mug tipped over and tomatoes and garlic cloves dribbled down the front windshield. That stuff was so spicy it melted the bird crap on the window.

Good times.

Typing vs. Talking

Why can't we talk like we type? There's been way too many times where I've gotten into arguments with people.. only to wish that I didn't say what I just said.
BACKSPACE
Because saying "Forget I said that" or "I take that back" never works. What's said was said. It done came out the printer. The email has been sent.
ARE YOU SURE YOU WANNA SEND THIS?
I need that option before I say something in conversation that I'd regret. There's no censor in your head. Because in the heat of the moment you have to react. Sitting there with a blank look on your face, while you fish for a comeback, never works.
EMOTICONS
I need those too cus they work better at conveying sarcasm. A smirk here.. a smirk there.. never helps the situation, cus I'm super sarcastic. But who can get mad at a yellow Wal-Marty smiley face?
THE "X" BUTTON
Just to have it in conversation that gets way too boring. An option to close this conversation and move on with the rest of my life. Besides: annoying, interrupting conversationalists, who don't have a clue, are nothing more than human pop-up ads
COLOR OPTIONS
Perhaps I think you're boring as an Indian person. Hmmm, I wonder. What would this conversation be like if Suresh was now Snoop? Perhaps the conversation would now drift from the latest IPOD technology to Escalades and pimp juice. Not brain-enriching stuff but sometimes I just need a good escape into other realities.

Show feedback

So every now so then and again, I'll have a great show here and there. So my question is, if the majority of the crowd was heavily chortling their ass off, why don't they come up to me after shows to tell me that they enjoyed their time:

Are they ashamed?
Do they think I already know?
Have they forgotten already?
Am I funny but just not that funny to be recognized for it?
Did my mom get a hold of them before the show to tell them not to puff up my ego?
Do I give off the vibe that I'm too good for the compliments of the commonfolk?
Is it my breath?

It can't be my shirt.

Is it the tiara I wear after such sets that may come off as sort of 'gaudy'?
Is it the throne that I nestle into and strategically place by the exit door while 2 ladies fan me and fingerfeed me grapes that makes them think that their praise is no longer necessary?

Well it is.
I'm sensitive.

Schmuzzin

My cousin..
hovers in my personal space
repeats outloud everything he sees
loves the Military Channel
was bored by Saving Private Ryan
doesn't like shoot-em-up video games
orders pay-per-view movies accidentally
still calls me Chachen, which means "older brother"
tells me whenever the light is green
probably hates it here
is gonna have to get a job
just got his Social Security Number
doesn't eat meat
loves cricket
will probably never like it here
should just become a stand up comic.

To XBox or PS2? That is the question

So in the spirit of cousinly love, I've decided to ease my cousin's transition into the United States by buying him a video game system. I haven't bought a system in over 10 years so I doubt he'd still be interested in playing Madden ' 93. (You know back when the Cowboys were good)

So now the nerd debate begins..which system should I get? And once I buy it, can I snatch it up for myself when I go on the occasional joke-telling road trip?

Would that make me an Indian giver?