Bunny Hoppin
I tried to get one over on the Lord on Easter
I showed up to church.
I haven't been to church in 2 years. I don't know why I thought I'd fool him. My dad always told me that "God takes attendance" And indeed he does. Because Monday morning I woke up with a pimple on my forehead, hand-delivered in the night by my Lord and personal Savior.
"Paul, why'd you think you could just sneak in unannounced after 2 years and there wouldn't be repercussions? Now if this is the beginning of a lifestyle change for you then I'll take back the pimple I've got planned for next week on the tip of your nose. But please, either stay away or show up. I don't want to see you disappear then pop up right around Christmas. Remember, I gave you hair. I can take it back out."
I'm trying to like mushrooms. Not of the hallucinogenic form but of the culinary variety. I hated them for a long time. Not hate like "Great! A family of mushrooms moved down the street. There goes the neighborhood!" hate. But hate like "You're slimy and taste like dirt. Leave me be and go hang out with your cousin Bean Sprout, you guys have so much more in common"
It's just that everyone who's anyone seems to like mushrooms. And they're in every single dish now. And I don't want to be sitting in on a very important business dinner 3 years from now and be the only one at the table who goes "hold the mushrooms" Because then inevitably someone at the table will pipe up, "You don't like mushrooms?" And then I'll have to save face by going,
"It's not that I don't like them. It's just that my uncle, may he rest in peace, was crushed when a truck of mushrooms rear ended him in Albuquerque. I haven't been able to enjoy them since. I don't want to support an industry that claimed the lives of one of my family members. Maybe by me not eating these mushrooms, I'll be preventing just one more truck of mushrooms from being driven along an interstate and injuring another."
Actually I like that excuse. Fuck a Shroom
I do definitely have to learn to play golf though. Because after a successful business lunch, there's always gonna be an invitation to play a few holes on Saturday afteroon. Golf has become the best way to schmooze for work. I just wish I could hob-nob with higher-ups without having to learn something new
Why can't I talk about a sitcom deal over Apple Jacks and a round of skeeball?
I showed up to church.
I haven't been to church in 2 years. I don't know why I thought I'd fool him. My dad always told me that "God takes attendance" And indeed he does. Because Monday morning I woke up with a pimple on my forehead, hand-delivered in the night by my Lord and personal Savior.
"Paul, why'd you think you could just sneak in unannounced after 2 years and there wouldn't be repercussions? Now if this is the beginning of a lifestyle change for you then I'll take back the pimple I've got planned for next week on the tip of your nose. But please, either stay away or show up. I don't want to see you disappear then pop up right around Christmas. Remember, I gave you hair. I can take it back out."
I'm trying to like mushrooms. Not of the hallucinogenic form but of the culinary variety. I hated them for a long time. Not hate like "Great! A family of mushrooms moved down the street. There goes the neighborhood!" hate. But hate like "You're slimy and taste like dirt. Leave me be and go hang out with your cousin Bean Sprout, you guys have so much more in common"
It's just that everyone who's anyone seems to like mushrooms. And they're in every single dish now. And I don't want to be sitting in on a very important business dinner 3 years from now and be the only one at the table who goes "hold the mushrooms" Because then inevitably someone at the table will pipe up, "You don't like mushrooms?" And then I'll have to save face by going,
"It's not that I don't like them. It's just that my uncle, may he rest in peace, was crushed when a truck of mushrooms rear ended him in Albuquerque. I haven't been able to enjoy them since. I don't want to support an industry that claimed the lives of one of my family members. Maybe by me not eating these mushrooms, I'll be preventing just one more truck of mushrooms from being driven along an interstate and injuring another."
Actually I like that excuse. Fuck a Shroom
I do definitely have to learn to play golf though. Because after a successful business lunch, there's always gonna be an invitation to play a few holes on Saturday afteroon. Golf has become the best way to schmooze for work. I just wish I could hob-nob with higher-ups without having to learn something new
Why can't I talk about a sitcom deal over Apple Jacks and a round of skeeball?
posted by Paul at 4:43 PM
3 Comments:
Right. You don't have free will. You are not in control of your facial hygeine - the Lord is. He had nothing better to do than put that zit on your noggin on Easter. By that rationale- Hitler must have had head to toe psoriasis. Mussolini must have had all-over-body warts. And Ghandi and MLK- beautiful, creamy, healthy, 'before you undress, Caress' skin.
You want to have some delicious mushrooms - come over. I make them at least once a week. You'll dig them. I marinate Portobellas in Teryaki sauce, fresh chopped garlic, and extra virgin olive oil. Then I grill 'em up on my Gorge Foreman. Add to that a side of garlic mashed potatoes and some grilled asparagus. Dee-lish.
You should try one of Steve's mushrooms. They are very good. Did you ever consider that maybe god was giving you that pimple cause he dosen't want you coming to church?
With nothing witty to rhetort, let me just say..I hate you all.
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