I Know People

Used to love the sack lunch. It's weird how innocent a brown paper sack is when you're 8. When you're 18? It's associated with dirty magazines and a 40 ounce.

I flew in from L.A on Sunday and halfway through there was so much turbulence. People were screaming and flipping out. I put them all at ease by frantically pulling out the In Case of Emergency card and cramming. I even called the flight attendant over to remind me again where the nearest exits were. I told the guy sitting next to the escape hatch that this ain't no dress rehearsal. It's showtime Passenger 57. At one point it was so shaky in the plane that the pilot got on the speaker and told us that that it was too dangerous for the flight attendants to walk through the aisles and check to see if our safety belts were on and our seats in the upright position. He said that he'd have us work under the "honor system" and we have to check our neighbors to see if they're in full compliance. That was the most unassuring thing a pilot could say. They pay those flight attendants to give everyone in coach a bad attitude. So they can come down that aisle as well, crawling if they have to. I'm not in charge of the security of this plane. I lost all chances of saving this aircraft when you confiscated my nail clipper at security check. You thought I was planning on giving myself a manicure? I keep it with me at all times incase a wire needs to be cut and re-routed. Yeah I got some pretty fingernails. But I'm Macgyver. Do you think this shaving cream is really shaving cream? It's potassium bicarbonate, otherwise known as fire extinguisher material. Some may think this is a normal cellphone, but who do I have on speed dial? That's right.

Wonder Woman