80/20 on the Funny

Why is there even a debate on Creationism vs. Evolution? Who cares how we got here? Why debate that? Look, I love Big Macs. That secret sauce. Incredible. But if you told me the recipe, I'd for sure be disappointed. We're never gonna know how everything in life got here so let's just give up the argument. I mean what if we finally did find out that God created the world by cheating off the Asian god sitting in the desk next to him. Buddha concocted all this:

Sushi
Coleco Vision (what was he thinking?)
Every show on VH1 (again, what was he thinking?)
Marriage (again, what was ..)

I read somewhere that the government can actually monitor your Internet habits. Creepy huh? So now whenever I Google I feel the need to clarify my purpose.

GOOGLE SEARCH BAR [Counterfeit money .. but I swear it's not for me, it's for a joke that I'm writing because I would never think about performing such illegal activities because I've got a career to worry about, plus why make fake money when I'm aware of the legal repercussions because my friends don't have any money and they'd probably have to make fake money just to get me out and that would be self-defeating so don't jump the gun and pile everyone in the FBI truck just yet because I'm so law-abiding that I feel guilty playing with Monopoly money]

I'm flying out to Denver tomorrow. Sometimes I luck out and fly on Frontier Airlines to get there. Coolest airline because every passenger gets their own personal TV set.

.. On a side note, why do we capitalize TV when talking about television sets, but not when we're talking about transvestites. If I was sporting panties and high heels, I'd feel a bit slighted that they get capitalization privileges when they provide mediocre entertainment, while me in my lemon chiffon gown am always FABULOUS

So for 5 bucks you can watch whatever you want on these sets. Alot of channels too: ESPN, CNN, Food Network.

Food Network? Really? Isn't that such a cruel culinary tease? You're watching them make bourbon mashed sweet potatoes and you're stuck with your 50 cent TV dinner

.. On another side note, if a transvestite cooks you an evening meal, isn't it always gonna be a tv dinner?

If Frontier Airlines really cared about their passengers, they'd show episodes of Fear Factor. That way when I see those contestants trying to chow down on kangaroo colon .. a bag of pretzels doesn't seem that bad

See you all on Monday.

Party Planning

So if you scroll down one blog entry, you'll find out that my friend asked me to be the Best Man at his wedding next year. Turns out, I'm the only guy amongst all the groomsmen who's not married, which not only makes me the Best Man but the Smartest Man too. The only tuxedo-ed up guy in the wedding party who can make his own decisions and can stay out as long as he wants.

And also, being the newly crowned Best Man, it's my responsibility to organize the bachelor party.. so here we go..

Bachelor Party Itinerary Draft Number One

2:00 - Play a round of golf with the guys. Hit a few balls. Toss back some Bud Lights
5:30 - Head back to the bungalow and wash up. Get all clean, ironed and decked out for dinner
6:30 - Go to Chili's (cus hey, it's his special night) Pretend to go to the bathroom and use that opportunity to sneak away and tell the waitress that we have a "husband-to-be" at our table. She brings the complimentary brownie, makes him wear a sombrero, and dance to the waitstaff's hymns
8:00 - Head back to the bungalow because I've rented The Lord of the Rings Trilogy. He's a huge fan and never had the chance to watch all 3 movies: back-to-back-to-back. It's something he's always wanted to do and what better time than his bachelor party? Cus after all, his fiancee doesn't appreciate fantasy movies
11:30 - The hookers come over
11:32 - Dispose of their bodies
11:40 - Drink some hot cocoa and have group prayer then continue watching Lord of the Rings.

Whenever you're on a plane and the flight attendant walks down your aisle with her cart and asks you,

"Would you like something to eat?"

Immediately grab your barf bag and say

"No thank you, I packed my own lunch"

I can't Do .. yet

I got asked to be the Best Man in my friend's wedding. Seriously, I was taken aback. It's an incredible honor. So my mom, never one to be the stereotypical Indian mom (I mean, she makes casserole and has a gym membership), now has initiated the zone defense when it comes to me finding my "soulmate".

Notice I said "zone defense" and not "full-court press". She briefly mentioned an offer to go soulmate searching for me. She hasn't sent out the bloodhounds or created a membership profile at "GrandkidsBefore-I-Die.com"

Will she? Of course. That telephone conversation the day after the wedding will be a laborious one. Let's look into the crystal ball

Paul's Mom: So I know you live in an apartment now, but wouldn't you like to someday live in a house?
Paul: Sure, but I can't afford a house
Paul's Mom: But we'll find you a girl that can.

The idea of a move from an apartment to a house is so dramatic. From single guy to nagging roommate. From empty fridge to full pantry. From futon nightlife to blanket battles. From a 6 month lease to a lifetime mortgage. Maybe it'd be easier to make the transition if I could pack up and bring with me, not only my silverware (heh, who am I kidding, my ketchup/hot sauce packets), but maybe if the apartment complex could let me pack up the maintenance men..

I don't do home repairs. To me, a house should come fixed already. No handiwork should be done. My job as a husband would be to kill bugs and to grill meat (or a combination of the two) After that, I'm done. Call someone else to sand the shelves or visit your mother.

Texas just banned gay marriage. It ruins the sanctity of marriage, they say. If you're worried about the sanctity of marriage being ruined, then ban divorce. Nobody would have whirlwind, spontaneous marriages if they knew that there was no way out when it all teeters down the gutter.

People would be flying to Hawaii, just to fill out paperwork. Putting on grass skirts just so they can divy up the kids.

"Paul put down that ukulele and sign this alimony check!"

What if the cops catch you moving stuff out of your house and dividing up your furniture?

"Are you two getting divorced?"

"No sir, it's just that she's allergic to my couch and my Taco Bell hot sauce packets and my VCR. Apparently the VCR gives her a rash, but my widescreen TV and DVD player and Gorillaz CD don't make her itch at all"

Yolk Folk

Anyone get anything good for Halloween?

Did you check your apples for razorblades? That was a legitimate danger when I was 6. How someone could accomplish that is a Food Network episode all in itself. It's also a reason to never eat fruit. Candy bars don't cause internal bleeding.

You gotta love Doritos because the new slogan on their bags is "Now Better Tasting" That's the one that made the cut? I could've come up with something better than "Remember how we were awful..well we're not that way anymore" maybe something like..

Doritos: Considered "Mexican food" by white people for 30 years
Doritos: At least we're not FunYuns

And I miss velcro. Because I keep stepping on my shoelaces. I want velcro shoes. I just hate the sound .. of people laughing at me

This Halloween, my car got egged. Now Paul 10 years ago, would've never been egged. Not because I was tough and intimidating but I just didn't have a car. Now Paul 5 years ago? Would've been angry, looking down the street left and right, as if the eggers are hiding in the bushes waiting to see the reaction to their handywork. But Paul now? Stares at the egg. Lets out a sigh. And now has a hankering for some IHOP

When did I lose my edge?
Did I ever have an edge?
In the band U2, what's The Edge's real name?

My car was the only one that got egged too. All the other cars, unscathed. Who sees me and hates me that much but not so much that they want me killed, they just want me annoyed .. and out in the sun with a soap sponge?

"We don't want to rob you Paul, we'd rather just follow you everywhere you go and step on your back heels"

Damn Baptist gangs.