Boom Bap

You're at a stoplight. The car next to you, rolls up .. windows rolled down .. music blasting. You're forced to listen to what they're listening to. You don't even know them and now they've become your IPod.

I used to be that guy 10 years ago and I'll tell you why people do that. Because deep down, we hope that when another car pulls up next to us at the stoplight, they'll roll down their window and say

"Excuse me young man. I couldn't help but overhear the rambunctious rap song emanating from your speaker system. I chalk our meeting up to destiny because it just so happens that earlier today my radio broke and I had nothing to listen to. What is the name of that song that makes you and all the surrounding vehicles bounce like so? Perhaps after you share that knowledge with me, you can then tell me how to get my car seat to recline as far back as yours. I would love to experience what it's like to drive on the road while facing upwards."

I had the whole get-up in high school. I blasted music. I sagged my pants. Not because I was gangsta .. but because I had no ass to hold them up. I laughed my ass off when I was 8 after listening to a Bill Cosby record and ..

It never grew back.

Ever seen someone whose car window is missing, so they replace it with plastic wrap? I guess that's to prevent the driver from getting freezer burn. Sometimes you'll see someone who has a trash bag taped on instead .. and you know what that is

Tinted windows.

Hair and Now

I'm about to embark on a 3 hour road trip with 4 friends in tow. Notice I said "Tow" as if I'm hauling down 4 broken-down cars. I'm lugging.

I kid.

But as of now, for the most part, we 5 have never managed to grate on each other's nerve endings. Oh might I add, the 3 hour road trip is step A. We're staying in a hotel together which is step B. Step C we'll be hanging together for the reason we're going for the road trip (I know..ambiguous, but I'm secretly secretive like that) and rounding it out is Step D, the tension-filled road trip back

I'd like to think that this trek won't make me re-consider said friendships, but I'd be deceitful to say it won't. Now this is no knock on them. They're normal great individuals with lives and stability and happiness.

Me? I drive the speed limit (I can't afford a speeding ticket) I get unbelievably grouchy when I'm tired. I have the tolerance level of Daffy Duck. Yet I am the driver, so everyone must zip lips and bite tongues so they're guaranteed a ride back. Hold on ..


"Do you think Ku Klux Klan members get that much more upset because their shadow's black?"


Okay .. I'm back. See all of us are friends with folks because we see them, or they see us, in limited time. We're on our best behavior. We all have miserable traits. Reasons that nobody would ever want to be with us, but those never go on display when just hanging out with friends. Now with extended time together, it's Real World-esque. Peeves will now become pet-like. My prediction? Well let's look into the future. Here's a transcript of the very first Real World confessional that will take place after spending one full day with yours truly

"Paul, I don't what his deal is. He forced us to listen to his CDs and his CDs only. In fact, when the car started running out of gas, he immediately turned the radio down and told all of us to shut up as if our conversation was wasting valuable fuel. He let 42 cars pass him on the highway yet stayed in the left lane as if he "thought he" was going faster than right lane traffic. Oh did I mention that in order for him to find certain street names, he again yelled at all of us to "Shut Up" so he could concentrate. As if our conversation blurs his vision. If it weren't for the fact that he pays for gas as well because he's too passive to ask us all to chip in for gas money, I would've stabbed him in his 5 O'clock shadow"

I'm full on bearded on right now too. Not lumberjack thick, but enough to make me look suspicious. It's a thick beard, Teen Wolf-style, not long and Osama stringy. ZZ Top beard is serial-killer-ish and creepy. Thick beard is inquisitive. Introspective. Poetic really.

Now can I rhyme? Not really.
Do I over analyze my place in this world? Hardly ever
Do I question everything around me? Like a 4 year old

So I'm qualified to have this. I look older. My face looks filled out. However, it comes off tomorrow. And with it, my supposed intellect, maturity, and clean sink

Lazy Shade of Winter

My favorite new drink? The Screwdriver. Vodka with Orange Juice .. because I still want liver damage, but I don't want the sniffles.

Jagermeister's probably the most entertaining of all the thicker liquors. Because drinking Jager is unlike any other type of alcohol ever invented. It's Satan in liquid form. And anyone who's never had Jager, doesn't understand that, so they think they can fathom what it's like

"I've never had Jager. But I have had tequila"

that's like saying ..

"You know I've never been attacked by a grizzly bear, but I have been tickled by a really hairy guy. You know I've never shopped at Nordstrom's, but one time, I did buy a $400 shirt at Wal-Mart"

--

I'm not allowed to be sick. I can't second-guess my body. I have no insurance. All my friends have insurance and much more .. Dental insurance, medical insurance, 401K, or as I like to call them ..

Friends with " Benefits "

They have Blue Cross. I have Finger Cross .. with a 'knock-on-wood' deductible

This is the only time in my life that procrastination is beneficial. Because if the doctor gave me 2 weeks to live .. I'd take a month. My friends would be so confused

"I thought Paul was supposed to be dead?"

"You know Paul. He's supposed to die on Monday. He won't actually start DYING dying until Tuesday. In fact, 50 bucks says he won't even start losing vision until Wednesday"

I'm not a decisive person but I'm definitely Pro-Crastination. My parents raised me to be Anti-Crastination. But crastinating is so much easier on the soul. Why type up daily blogs when I can crastinate and type one once a week?

KajaGooGoo Gah Gah

I know so much useless 80's / 90's music. One-hit wonders. I know them all. I never knew that such esoteric knowledge would ever come in handy

Until ..

I'm on a flight back from Chicago. The captain announces that the plane's about to make its final descent into Dallas. I get up to go to the bathroom, and the flight attendant stops me

"I'm going to need you to take your seat"

"But I need to go the bathroom"

"Sir, you had your chance"

Wow. Wasn't expecting that. He threw me a condescending curveball. High and tight. Now I'm confused .. befuddled .. that same feeling I had when I found out that Santa was really my dad.

"So that explains whey he was Indian. And all this time, I thought he'd just been outsourced"

So now I'm standing there. Everybody on the plane looking at me, as if I started something. That's the disadvantage to people who come in half-way on an obvious conflict. They don't care to find out about the backstory. They just instantly sympathize with whoever's lighter. I'm guilty of it too. If I see my dad arguing with a white man, I immediately take the white man's side. Because obviously my dad must be at fault, and even if he's not, he needs to apologize because we all know .. white people sue

But I'm there, face-to-face with Bob the Belittler and I have not a comeback in my pocket at all. Nothing. A couple of dimes. My cellphone. But not one ounce of sarcasm. Not even amongst the lint.

Then it hits me. I look into his eyes .. with all the seriousness of a lumberjack reading Field and Stream .. and say

"All I wanna do is zoom-a-zoom-zoom-zoom-and-a-boom-boom. Su-Su-Sudio"

I win.

Insection

Life is full of muddled priorities..

I know a vegetarian who has peacock feather earrings.

"I don't want to kill the animals, but I do want to make them shiver."

Even my mom's guilty. When I was six, she'd try to scare me by telling me to keep my mouth shut when I sleep, so bugs wouldn't crawl in

"Why don't you just clean the house?"

That is one of the few manly traits that I absolutely do possess. I can kill bugs. I wasn't always that masculine. When I was 10, I'd have alot of different ways to kill the bug without having to get too close.

1) I'd spray Raid. Which never kills a bug instantly (like in the commercials) It just sends them into epileptic seizures, normally heading in your direction. Time to scamper

2) I'd wake up my dad. His groggy, pajama-encased self using his slipper to chase down La Cucaracha. Whack him into a crunchy gooey mess and then, without missing a beat, slip the slipper right back on, leaving a trail of cockroach crumbs back to his bedroom. If you put your ear up to my parents' bedroom door, you could hear him say ..

"Paul is a complete wuss. We've raised a boy who's scared of a 2-inch monster. Maybe it's not too late to put him up for adoption"

3) I'd throw phonebooks. Like some people play Horseshoes. The Yellow Pages is the horseshoe. The clueless roach is that thing sticking out of the ground. And much like horseshoes, it takes 3 to 4 tries to nail it. THUD Damn it THUD Crap THUD Yes!

"It's 4 in the morning and that Indian Urkel is throwing phone books. You know he takes after your family. I'm surprised he doesn't jump at the sight of his own shadow. I'm calling the foster home tomorrow and UPS-ing him there"

I Let You Down ..

So Silly Paul doesn't realize the silly promises I make. I was supposed to have new video clips posted by now on my site to swap out the old ones. And I was also supposed to be well on my way to figuring out if I had a performance that was cd-worthy.

So let's update the status. There is a small smidgen of a set. Seven minutes to be exact. Available on www.desivision.tv But I'm also super selective in what I feel I should put up there. After all, alot of the work that I get come off people's perception of the clips on my site. So it's not only gotta be damn hilarious, it's also gotta be family friendly and able to appeal to older folks (because they're the ones that end up paying me) So in other words, Cosby-esque material's gotta be posted. Hmmm, what's a brother to do

CD-wise. I have sets taped that I could use. But I'm waiting to perform at a certain venue here in town to record it that way to see how the audio quality in that set turns out. So once I get that date booked and cemented then I'll know what's going on. I apologize to anyone who was looking forward to the new video clips and/or cd. I let you down. But welcome to my life. A world full of disappointed friends and broken get-togethers.

All serious blogginess aside, I feel sorry for the owner of a restaurant whose regular customers are ambulance drivers on their lunch break. It can't be good for business to have all those EMT vans parked outside.

If you filled out an application to join the Ku Klux Klan, do you think there's a box to check ethnicity?