Suspense-a-Fully

So tonight Last Comic Standing will air on NBC. Why do you the Blogalisa reader even care? Well two years ago, that was my 2 minutes of fame. It's what spawned the website .. which in turned spawned Blogalisa

Well this time around yours truly did not make it past the local round, but did make it to the night show, which is the one that's taped for broadcast. Now the question lies: If they do show me, how will I be portrayed?

Now in a perfect world, they won't even show me. I can't stand looking at myself in the mirror, let alone on a televsion set. Plus now I run the risk of something I said or some little facial tic I happened to have on when the cameras are filming me, being taken out of context

However when I was in Austin for the show, the NBC cameras were all upon me. The judges made a big stink-a-ma-doo that I showed up again .. asking me questions about what my life has been like since the exposure a couple of years back. A big old fuss was made. So much so, that if I didn't make it past the night show, I would either come across as a horrible comic or robbed by the NBC system.

Chances are, the former will occur. I had a good set that night but editing can be a sun-uvva-biatch. Now maybe they'll just edit me right out the show. But this is Paul's life. Nothing ever goes as it seems.

Stay tuned for the fallout.

Possible blog entry titles for tomorrow..

1. Phew! I dodged a bullet
2. Seriously people, that joke does get laughs. It is funny
3. Of all the jokes they could have showed .. they showed that one?
4. Contrary to how I looked, I wasn't that upset
5. Contrary to what I said, I'm not that much of a prick
6. Anyone have some Xanex?
7. I'm done with stand-up. Monkhood here I come!

Booze and Rice and Everything Nice

Does drinking wine all the time make you an alcoholic? or a wino? or neither

Because winos have a far worse reputation than alcoholics do. But the term "winos" has now become synonymous with homeless. And alot of homeless people have never even sipped from a carafe.

I have experienced folks who consider alot of wine drinking alot more acceptable than alot of beer/liquor drinking. To me, drinking alot of alcohol in any situation on a regular basis makes you prone to alcoholism anyway, regardless of whether it came from barley or grapes. I think it's the atmosphere and aura that wine brings as opposed to the one that beer does that keeps these people in denial.

I'll admit that wine isn't as commonplace as beer. Chardonnay on tap doesn't sound appealing. Not too many fans at a Cowboys game are partaking in a nice Sauvignon Blanc. But let's not make excuses for wine drinkers either. Let's hold them to the same set of standards.

Because binge drinking wine on the street? Totally socially unacceptable. But binge drinking wine in a wine bar with candles and jazz music? You're chic, high-class. You're sophistimacated. I'm sure if you could smoke crack in a crack bar, then it would become the "it" thing too

Now I'm not bashing wine drinkers at all. Just saying that a boozer is a boozer regardless. I could be tossing back a 40-ounce of Nyquil and I shouldn't be allowed to drive. So if I see you polishing off 4 glasses of wine then don't I have the right to deny you your car keys? Or should I take into consideration the quality of alcoholic beverage you just ingested?

"I'm fine! It's not like I just drank an' 04 Merlot!"

**

How come Chinese restaurants never have original names? They're generic. Best Wok. Lucky Egg Roll. Super Buffet.

I want to open up a Chinese restaurant right next to all these and suck out their business .. with names like Even Luckier Egg Roll. Super Duper Buffet .. or They Might Be Called Best Wok But We Started That Shit

**

I have a pink shirt. I wear it occasionally and when I do, people always say something like

"That looks so good on you. See, Paul's wearing pink. That means he's secure in his sexuality."

It also means that I'm behind in my laundry. I'm one day away from wearing my graduation robe

I'm watching Colors...

It's that movie from the 80s with Sean Penn and Robert Duvall, about street gangs in L.A. One of the members of the Mexican gang is that red-headed guy from Children of the Corn, who played Malachi. Now that's gangsta. From being a Satan worshipper in Iowa to running the streets with Latino gangbangers. Speaking of gangsta .. Isn't Chewbacca the ultimate one? He walks around with an ammo belt sash across his chest like he just won Mr. America NRA, toting a gun, and he's BUTT NAKED. Bare ass and strapped. It's almost like he's daring you to laugh

"Say something! I'll download a beatdown by uploading my foot in your ass"

So I went back to visit my folks' last week and they told me that they're putting their house up for sale. Lots of memories in that place. It'll be sad to never be able to come back and visit it. Well I can .. but I'm pretty sure the new residents won't be fond of me eating Oreos in their living room or coloring on their fridge. I wish the house was haunted by spirits. But the only things that ever died in there were 3 goldfish, a bunch of roaches, and my parents' dreams of me being a doctor.

I will remember all the holidays spent. Thanksgiving Day with the processed turkey loaf. Valentine's Day when I had no date and watched I Love Lucy with my mom. Kwanzaa

Christmas never involved a memory worth memorizing. My parents didn't cram into department stores fighting off other parents looking for the best gift possible. They went to my aunt's house. Before my parents arrived, she'd ask my cousin Michael..

"Paul's parents are coming over so put out all the toys you don't use any more. They need a gift for him"

Not really a factor when you're under the age of 3. Kids that age don't care what they get for Christmas. They can easily be entertained by a keychain and nickels. But there comes an age where the charade is over. When you get a present in a box that has nothing to do with the present inside .. that's a pretty clear sign that your present isn't brand new

Paul: "You got me a set of steak knives?"
Dad: "No no, open the box. See? It's a football!"
Paul: "Why does it say Michael?"
Dad: "Umm .. errr .. because that's a Michael .... Jordan football. Hey come on, throw me a slam dunk!"

I love religious programming. Comedy Central has nothing on the Trinity Broadcasting Network. Benny Hinn is way more entertaining than Dane Cook. You know Benny Hinn. The televangelist with the white hair and even whiter suit. He goes all over the country preaching in arenas and healing people by placing his hands on their foreheads. They immediately pass out after having "received the Holy Spirit". And that would scare me. Growing up with 4 year old Benny Hinn .. Playing Freeze Tag

Well on one episode there's a guy talking about heaven. Here was his analogy as to what living in heaven is like

"Heaven is a place where you can go skydiving without a parachute"

"Hmm. Isn't that how people get to heaven?"

I want to go to heaven, but I want to be able to pick my roommate. Those televangelists are fun to watch but would be hell to live with. Cosby's going to heaven isn't he? I've always wanted to be the Theo to his Dr. Huxtable

Tangents 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - and 5

Wanna know what it's like to be homeless? Take 6 shots of Jager in a row

You'll find yourself walking into oncoming traffic with a shopping cart full of cat food.

Alcohol here in the U.S is so weak compared to other countries. If you don't believe me, look at the names of our shots. Other countries put us to shame

Germans have JagerMeister
Mexicans have Tequila
We have..

Buttery Nipples?

"Don't judge me, Dirk and Carlos. That's how we do it here. In fact, excuse me bartender .. But I have high cholesterol. Could I have three Buttery Nipples and one I Can't Believe It's Not Buttery Nipples"

Ever seen an alcoholic so cheap they refuse to puke?

"I paid good money. I ain't wasting it."

---

When did Indian people lose tact? I realize my shows aren't appreciated by everyone, but Indian people aren't ones to mince words.

"I saw you 2 months ago and you performed the same material."

"Sir, if I could write a brand new hour of material every 2 months I wouldn't be performing at The Devry Indian Students' Association's Samosa Bake Sale. I'd be in Los Angeles .. performing at UCLA's Indian Students' Association's Samosa Bake Sale"

---

I lost my ability to change the color of text. It was my favorite perk of blogspot.com. It differentiated who was saying what in these carefully scripted dialogues I compose on a bi-weekly basis. So now all text coloring must be done internally. I'm leaving it up to you, the reader, to figure it out.

---

The Scripps Howard National Spelling Bee's next week. Probably the most exciting 3 days of the year if you're Indian. Our one time to be on TV without being victims of a natural disaster.

I love this time of year. It's the equivalent of Latinos watching World Cup Soccer. It's the equivalent of black people watching any sporting event and watching a black guy tackle/dunk/hit a home run against a white guy. It's the equivalent of white people watching any Presidential election.

i just wish that the ability to spell would be an attractive quality. Women are intrigued by athletes, musicians, actors .. not Rakesh Pekkumootithackatill. Or "Ricky" as it says on his Best Buy nametag. Most of these Indian kids who end up in these spelling bees end up being engineers. They're working with numbers when they've won trophies and scholarship money for working with letters. They should get by as real-life Spell Checks. Just following people around in everyday situations to help them out

"Bill it's I-L-L-I-T-E-R-A-T-E"

---

I have one trophy at my folks' house. I got it in kindergarten. It has this Winged Greek God on a pedestal. And I got it for?

Ten dollars.

No seriously, I got it for memorizing the most Bible verses. I'm glad they gave me the Greek God trophy rather than one that I really should've gotten for my feat.

A trophy of me looking outside my window on a Saturday morning, watching other kids playing

Oh and I forgot to mention..

So I had a show in Kerrville, Texas this past Saturday. A city known for its folk festival. I myself enjoy a good folk tune at times but on CD only. Because a bunch of white people in a small Texas town playing banjos doesn't seem like much of a Welcome Wagon for me and mine.

Well on the way there, driving down I-10 on exit 533, there's an exit for a city called Welfare. Yes. Spelled just like that. The creepiest thing was there were road signs leading up to the exit. It was like I was having a nightmare. Where the highway was my life and the exit signs were foretelling my future and what options lay ahead.

Welfare
2 Miles

Regret/Loop 244
Next Exit

Do you think the richest guy in Welfare brags about it?

I want to get pulled over by the Welfare Police Department. They give me a ticket. I pay it off in food stamps.

Who moves to Welfare?

"Hi there, me and my wife just moved here to Welfare. We used to live in Poverty. No, I wasn't born there. I'm originally from Broke as Shit."

Doldrumsticks

Wow. My time away is no longer considered "hiatus" worthy. Hibernation's the better word. Both mentally and typographically. Every now and again you hit a writer's block. Head-first. No airbags. I hit it. Bare knuckles. Didn't bust through it like Ralph Macchio and the icy slats in Karate Kid 2. Nor did I knock it out like Deebo did Red in Friday. In fact I'm still in the rut. Let's just say Paul's been around...the writer's block..and I-I-I..I can't find my baby (Lisa Stansfield anyone?)

Blocks have never had a good reputation.
- Slapping away a shot in basketball
- Duplo (cheap Lego knockoffs)
- New Kids on the Block

My disdain for the material I'm doing now is starting to become evident. Another review has flown in regarding the tour. My friend/fellow comedian Raj Sharma gets well-deserved praise for our show in San Jose. The show which went down 2 weeks ago wasn't one of Paul's better shows, as my burnout was on full display. The reporter mentioned about how my performance that night was disjointed and seemed un-inspired. And wow, she nailed it on the head. You know how sometimes you're at work and you're playing Solitaire, or making a paper clip fortress, or going through the break room fridge and switching people's bread slices? That's been my attitude onstage for the last week or so.

Now normally if I have a creative funk, I'll take some time off to re-energize the battery within. But being on this tour, I don't have time to do all that. So then it manifests itself when I perform. I'm just glad we don't perform outdoors. God forbid a butterfly grace my field of vision, 10 minutes into my set. I'd be no more useful than a 6 year old in that situation. The audience would have to waggle a rattle just to get me back in focus.

And I don't apologize for my scattered-braindedness. How I feel when I'm up there or right before I go up is the attitude that accompanies throughout my performance. And 88 percent of the time, it's good, fun, creative spirits. But if that 12 percent tickles my soul then so be it. Amen. For me to not have to turn on a phony smile and enthusiasm is exactly the reason I love doing standup now. There's no need for emotional censorship. Not that I'm at a bitter Bill Hicks stage in my career. But if I feel disinterested halfway through a joke about bobsled races, then apathetic is what I be. I just hope that the next time it happens, nobody's in the audience writing a critical review that will permanently thicken my insecurity blanket for the next 12 years.

By the way, the title track off Stadium Arcadium is one of the best songs this boy has ever heard.