American Tradition: Remixed

I had turkey today. Stuffing. Mashed potatoes. Sliced cranberry sauce. Corn off the cob. Even green bean casserole made an appearance

What is going on? Has the Varghese clan flipped their lid?

To understand these questions, we must first delve back to the latter part of 2004. November to be exact.

I performed for Southwestern ColorGraphics last year as part of their company's Thanksgiving party. In addition to getting paid, I also received a Greenberg turkey. Oprah listed it as one of her 2003 holiday favorites. I don't doubt that it's great Oprah (she reads this blog religiously). That's not my point. Read on

So we were supposed to enjoy this Tyler, Texas turkey on Thanksgiving Day. Well, Ma and Pa Varghese already got a turkey..because they had a coupon. And if you know Indian people, denying them their right to use a coupon is like telling President Bush he can't send more troops to Iraq. They're gonna do it anyway

My sister comes to visit in January. We're supposed to gobble it up then. No no. She's only here for the weekend and turkey's an all-day event. The bird has to be stuffed. Pilgrim hats need to be made. Where's the popsicle stick scale model of the Mayflower?

So fast-forward to today, May 30, 2005. The turkey has come back into play. I'll hold off on reviewing the taste of a turkey that's been in a cryogenic state for over 6 months. You draw your own conclusions. But I will say that 2 of my uncles were having turkey with us. They moved here from India back in November (when they also had turkey for the first time). Now we hit Memorial Day and TADOW! Turkey again. We've now created an annual tradition that they will observe for the rest of their stay here. That's gotta be confusing to explain to their friends back in India

"I don't get Americans. They eat turkey in November to commemorate people moving here from another country because they were escaping persecution and death. And now they're eating turkey in May to commemorate people who left here to another country, only to face persecution and death ."

I can't wait to really screw with them and send them both a Strip-O-Gram for July 4th.

Cue the Violins

I'm a romantic at heart. Like just today I was looking out my window into the backyard, hoping that the girl of my dreams, my future wife would walk right by

.. and then i thought

That would be trespassing and I'd have to shoot her.

Because even little kids know that if their football sails into the neighbor's yard, it's time to start playing checkers.

I think romance died once every guy got the memo about sending flowers, boxes of chocolates, proposals on the top floor of any building. It forced every guy who sincerely gave a damn about his girl to think about what he could do to be original and top the last guy. That's why you have fools proposing on TV, or by skywriting, or outside their girlfriend's bathroom after an EPT test.

I for one ain't giving flowers or chocolate. They expect that guys. Give them wind chimes. Yes, wind chimes. The gift that keeps on giving. Not only is it good for feng-shui, but if you two ever break up, those damn things will keep ringing and ringing and ringing for the rest of her damn life.

"Oh you thought I was annoying because I always forgot to close the Sprite all the way? Compare that to Mr. I've Got a Song to Sing All Day Long that's hanging right outside your window"

Listen guys, don't go all out to be romantic. Learn from others' mistakes. Cus I feel sorry for the guy who gets rejected after the fancy, over-the-top wedding proposal.

"How could you say that? I pledged my love to you on the Eiffel Tower"

Because the next time he proposes, it won't be anywhere near that romantic

"Listen, I lied. I didn't bring you to IHOP for breakfast. Look down and read the whip cream writing on your chocolate chip pancakes. Yes or No?"

Comedy Soup for the Booking Soul

I book my own gigs. People either call or email me to ask me to do shows. But I think etiquette and simple common sense gets lost on these people. I get one of 2 folks trying to book me

NUMBER ONE: This is someone who books alot of parties at clubs (He's usually Indian) and he'll go on and on about how his parties draw in so many people and he heard aboutme and heard I was "tight, off the hook dawg" and did I mention that I had 2000 people at my New Year's Party in 2004? And we wanna see if you're any good so can you come do my gig FOR FREE.

MY RESPONSE TO 'NUMBER ONE': First off, if you draw in so many people you're making money. You just don't respect me enough to pay me. Secondly, if I'm so "off the hook" then you can afford some cashola. Hey if you wanna approach me, don't think I'm impressed by the number of parties you throw a year and how many people showed up. Don't list credentials. I don't care. In fact I'll just write a joke about you and put it in my act. This is my job. This is what I do. Email deleted

NUMBER TWO: This is the person who raves on and on about how they heard about me or saw me at a show or saw me on TV and they'd really like me to do their event cus it's gonna bring in so many people. So I quote the price, then they go "Did I mention this was a charity event" { No you didn't } or they'll say "We're not gonna be able to pay you as much as you'd like, could you compromise for us? We really want you there"

MY RESPONSE TO 'NUMBER TWO': Again, if you're drawing in so many people then you're making money. You just want to be cheap with me. If you really want me there then you can pay me. If you want a free act, I'll send my uncle over there after he's drank two bottles of Johnny Walker Black and you'll end up getting what you pay for. Don't rave about me or try to kiss my ass only to not even wanna pay out the money to buy the tissue to wipe it. Again, you're just taking up valuable e-mail space.

So what have we learned people and prospective bookers? Just be honest with me. I'm always sincere/honest from the get go, so if you don't want to pay then tell me that up front. My feelings won't be hurt. I'll still keep chugging along like I always do. But if you do want to have me perform at your event or 'comedy night' then mean it. No amount of blowing smoke up my ass to make me feel good so I'll give a discount will ever help. Who likes a smoky ass?

And no, I don't accept competitor's coupons.

Sun drops

It's getting hot. Chood (as my parents would say)

I'm perplexed

I'm a skinny guy. How skinny? When I was 4 and played Hide-and-Go-Seek, they could never find me. I'm skinny and brown. I'd climb up in a tree and act like a twig

So being skinny, I'm not a fan of the t-shirt. Long sleeve t-shirt? Yes. I adore you. Sign me up on your mailing list

But I'm in Texas...in May..Not long sleeve t-shirt friendly. What's a skinny guy to do?

Blog about it. There's nothing else you can do.

Cus skinny guys have never been in style. Muscular never goes out. Even the steroid-stacked pill punchers get girls. The guys with muscles in their nostrils, so that when they sneeze it sounds like a shotgun blast. Girls flock to them. Even fat guys get women thanks to Notorious B.I.G, Big Pun, Fat Joe. Rappers made big sexy. Snoop never made skinny sexy. He did it for weed and corn rows, but let's be honest, without all that. He's just another Hide-and-Go-Seek Grand Champion

You know whenever I see a middle-aged guy with a mullet, I like to play a game called "I wonder what the name of his band was, that never made it"

A) Expedition: They had the same music and style as Journey before there was a Journey

B) He's bitter and biding time by working construction and playing keyboards at night for a Van Halen cover band called "David Lee Hagar"

C) all of the above

That joke is copyrighted. Don't steal it. I have Jewish friends. I will sue

Cobra Commander

I'd join the military if that rank was attainable. Just to have a sidekick named Destro is so worth the mind-numbing, grueling hours of boot camp. Hey if our military personnel can make it on The Price is Right. Why can't Cobra?

"Serpentor! Come on down!"

I apologize. I had a flashback

Drinking doesn't have the same charm to me as it once did. Call it tolerance, call it redundant, call it a lack of money. Whatever it is, I think I might have to find a new ritual after shows. Intoxication isn't fun anymore.

What's fun to me?

-Give me 300 more peak minutes on my cellphone plan so that I don't have to pay 40cents a minute to talk.

-Give me 300 more dollars so I can pay for my cellphone bill because I didn't have 300 extra peak minutes so now I had to make numerous 40cents a minutes calls and now my cellphone bill is outrageous to the tune of 300 extra dollars.

-Give me 300 more cellphones so that between them all, I know at least one will always have a full battery, I'll have enough minutes to talk to everyone, 40 cents a minute will never happen, and in the long run I'll save 300 dollars (possibly more) because peak minutes are no longer priority.

I'm performing in Phoenix this weekend. In a theater in the round. That means the audience is on all sides of me. It's like being jumped in by a gang except these people are sitting down, laughing, and not delinquent. So basically I have to do my best impression of the earth's axis and rotate my body throughout the performance so everyone feels included. I'm just curious as to how many minutes into my set will I begin to feel dizzy.

Dizzy like intoxication like 40cents a minute phone calls like not fun

I think what's great about alcohol is you can never stay mad at it. I say it's not fun TODAY. I don't mean it Captain Cuervo. It just bored me last night. I wasn't in the mood to partake in your beautiful sustenance. I wasn't privy to your wonderous, mind-altering ways. I apologize. I don't mean it. Please don't be mad at me. I take it all back. In fact, do you want me to delete this blog? What? What is that Mr. Liver? No, I didn't forget about you. I know it's calling you. Don't worry Internal Organ Schmorgan, Daddy will make sure you get your share of Jack Daniels tonight. Cus I care

Too bad Cheetos don't get you plastered. You figure they'd have some sort of effect on you..Remember Chester Cheetah? (Head shaking violently "Ay-yi-yi"). He was so fond of Cheetos you'd swear they were laced. Same goes for the bird in the Cocoa Puffs commercials, any kid in the Corn Pops commercials, and Snuggle Bear

Sometimes I write this blog thinking that no one else is really reading it. And then I realize that people are and that they just prefer certain entries more than others. Some of them have comments on them, some of them don't. This one won't.

No stage is too small

I had one of the weirdest gigs this past week. I performed in an apartment

On purpose

As part of a local radio station's thing (KISS 106.1FM) they had me perform for a monthly event they call "FunDay" where it's one member of the morning crew's job for that day to entertain the rest of the morning crew. In the past they've went bike riding and to arcades and so this time around they decided to have an apartment party: complete with pizza, margaritas, and me telling jokes.

www.kiddlive.com (click on "Shanon's Fun Day")

Here's the sick part of it all. I had a great time.

Don't get me wrong, it's still weird to perform for 12 people in a one-bedroom apartment, and I'm standing on a coffee table..But I had a blast. I can't speak for them but it's weird moments like that that make my life (and blog) all the more interesting. So thank you KISS 106.1 FM Morning Crew (there's too many to name) for letting me entertain you. I hope it wasn't too awkward for ya.

Now if anyone else ever finds themselves in a position to where they have to perform stand-up comedy in someone's apartment..Here's some advice (speaking from experience)

1. Stand-up comedy doesn't work like singing in the shower. You won't sound funnier just because of the acoustics in the bathroom. So get out of the tub and stick to living room furniture

2. Performing on a coffee table (funny) Performing on an ottoman with wheels (DAMN HILARIOUS)

3. When you're pacing back and forth on a wobbly coffee table and they say "Watch out for the Entertainment Center!" Trust me, they don't consider YOU the Entertainment Center.

4. No matter how big or successful you are, keep in mind, you're performing in a one-bedroom apartment.

"So Paul did being on TV help your career at all?"

"Yeah. I'm doing apartments. No, not installing blinds. I'm actually performing stand-up there. My mom is so proud. In fact I do door-to-door comedy while I'm there. I'm way funnier on the 3rd floor, and I got a standing ovation in the Leasing Office. Hopefully one day, I can work up to performing in crack houses. Keep your fingers crossed!"

Perturbedly Speaking

Do you think God likes to screw with you while you're asleep?

Kinda like how me and my friends would do when we were little and had sleep overs. Whoever fell asleep first, got their hand dipped in cold water (If you don't know what that does when someone's asleep, try it. Especially to someone who sleeps in boxers)

God's gotta be having fun with us while we're conked out. How else could you explain?..

Drooling - Eyes halfway open - Twitching - Dreaming - Bedhead - Morning Breath - Sleep apnea - Going to sleep with your socks on - One sock missing the next morning - Birds outside your window - Telemarketing calls at 7 am - Jehovah's Witnesses - Sunlight coming through the windshield

Scratch that last one. I've said too much

I'm on my way to a wedding tomorrow. I hate weddings. Everything seems so phony. No one really wants to be there. I mean once the bride walks down the aisle, everyone in the church is pretty much thinking, "Fast Forward so we can get to the open bar at the reception"

I also hate wedding reception DJs. Because you force me to dance to your YMCA your Play That Funky Music your Who Let The Dogs Out. Are you not aware that no one likes those songs? Wedding receptions need black DJs. Ones that'll yell out "REMIX!" at the most inopportune times.

I also hate sitting at the reception table at my pre-assigned seat. I'm forced to eat with people who I have no idea who they are. Whenever in that situation I just start a betting pool as to how long everyone at my table thinks it'll take before someone says some cheesy toast like

"Alright Matt now that you're married, I'm the last one in the group. Make me an uncle! Ha Ha!"

You're a quick one there Cooter. Everyone always thinks they're the first. Which brings me to my final point.

We've all heard about the Wendy's fiasco with the finger in the chili. Turns out it was a hoax. The lady's locked up for it. But I'd hate to work at Wendy's when all that went down.

Wait.. let me clarify that.. I'd hate to work at Wendy's. Period

But I'd even more hate the fact that I'm there when all you get is Dorko the Magnificent pulling into the drive-thru, every 10 minutes, thinking he's the first customer to say "You don't have fingers in your fries now do you? Ha Ha Ha (hi-five)"

"Of course we don't sir. We here at Wendy's care about our customers, and we apologize for making you uneasy and nervous in light of all these recent allegations. Now would you like me to urinate directly onto your Frosty or would you like that in a separate To-Go container?"

Keep one eye open

The Boogeyman, Santa Claus, BedBugs, The Hamburglar

All things that go bump in the night

I blame it on insomnia. The longer you deprive yourself of sleep, the more you hallucinate. Start to imagine what's there and when what is not really is or what it is is not what it appears to be. It's that Confucius-like nightmare that'll make you believe a wooly monster in the closet or a jolly fat man with a bag of toys, little hungry mattress lice, or a chubby Mexican knockoff of Zorro who steals Big Macs

I see them all.

I should take sleeping pills. But I'm not a fan of anything in pill form. Breakfast cereal form? Oh yeah. But if you tell me happiness comes in caplets? I say, "Call me when General Mills figures out how to put it inside a purple horseshoe marshmallow"

Which is why I enjoy breakfast so much. I'm never awake to eat it. If you deprive yourself of something necessary.. all of a sudden it takes on a sort of dessert-like indulgence whenever you get it.

Whenver I go to IHOP or Denny's, I'm chowing down on the most important meal of the day. Something somewhat breakfasty. No need to see the "appetizers, soups and salads, or entree" part of your menu.

{ And by the way "entree"? Do you really need to add a French word to your menu Denny's? It doesn't add class to the joint. You wanna add some sophistication? Hire one cook who isn't on crystal meth }

And when you can't sleep, you begin to enjoy little things about the night. The random gunshot. The random screeching of brakes. Infomercials about portable rotisserie ovens.

Maybe all I need is a glass of warm milk. A bedtime story. A lullaby

My parents never sang me a lullaby. I'd watch television with my dad until I fell asleep. I'll be a horrible father. What lullaby could I possibly sing to my kids?

"In West Philadelphia, born and raised..on a playground is where I spent most of my days"

What if

... the only way you had to get paid was taken away from you?
...the only way you had to maintain friendships without having to pick up the phone and initiate conversation was taken away from you?
...the only way to receive daily reminders about how you should sign up for "Classmates.Com, Microsoft Office, and Cialis" was taken away from you?
...you were never ever ever able to receive chain mail that said, "If you don't send this out to atleast 20 people you will not...

- have your crush kiss you
- receive $1,000 from Bill Gates
- help Sandeep in Calcutta receive a new kidney and elbow

That's what happens when you lose e-mail privileges

My website has not been letting me send e-mails from it for the last 2 weeks. Horrid, I tells ya. Damper Pamper on all my plans. I called tech support and "David" offered to help me.

"Sorry David, I'm sure you're great and all and you probably think you know what you're doing. But I'd rather talk to Davesh or Davinder. Someone with an Indian accent so thick that just talking to him raises the terror level alert."

Just wait til they start charging for emails like they do with letters.

"For 37 cents you can send that e-mail out to a loved one, complete with Commemorative Elvis Emoticons!"

I was in line at the post office, and I overheard a lady complaining about the price of a stamp. First off.. it's 37 cents. Any time you can still pay for something in copper? You win. If you could buy a car with pennies, we'd all show up at the Honda dealership with our piggybanks.

"Throw in Onstar and I'll crack this baby wide open!"

I think we complain about the price of stamps because the price is permanently fixed on there. Right in the corner "37 cents USA". I think we'd all second-guess any purchase we've ever made if the price was permanently labeled on there.

"Twenty-five dollars for an I Love Clay Aiken T-shirt?"

What if the sad thing about that last line was that it was true?